Revelation

Over the course of the past few weeks I've come to know one very important thing: I am nothing without Christ! There are days when waking up is a tremendous challenge, but Caroline makes sure that I do because who else is going to fix her "chocak mulk". We continue to press on through it all knowing that there is a greater purpose for all this, one we don't understand but know exists.

On Palm Sunday, Art and I sang a duet ("Man After Your Own Heart"). The lyrics to my portion said, "I am driven by rivers of pride. You are my rescue, maker and keeper of all that I am all I believe in. You lead me Lord by the still waters. You speak to me with the words of a father, for I'm your own prodigal child. I know you're here with arms open wide. Just as a dear runs to water so does my soul to you Father. And Oh my God, though I have wondered you make it clear you'll always be here. When I draw near to seek after your own heart."

Well, guess what I learned. I AM DRIVEN BY RIVERS OF PRIDE. More like rivers of rights. I've lived the prodigal life and He rescued me. I've lived the legalistic shallow life and He rescued me. I've lived the lonliness and the pain of life and He keeps me. But why now, why us, why our Hudson? And then I remember, all that He suffered(s) for us and I am humbled at my pride. To think that I deserve anything shy of Hell is crazy. I am only because He lives. And yet, the hurt and the anquish sometimes overwhelms me. But, He Himself grieved the loss of His loved ones while on earth. And, we gave Hudson right back to Him the moment He gifted us with the knowledge of being pregnant. So what better place for him to be than with Jesus?

There are no words to describe the hurt, confusion and frustration but I am grateful nevertheless that I had 21 weeks with a precious life that will always be. All the more we patiently anticipate the return of our Lord! And, when I seek Him, He is found. Imagine that! Boy, I think I read that somewhere. Maybe the prophet Jeremiah did know a little something.

In any case, Art and I are experiencing an "awakening" of life in our marriage. Ok, maybe it's just me, but it's wonderful. We've had a few tense moments throughout these past few months and yet I continue to fall more deeply in love with him through each passing day. I pray that we live this way the rest of our lives. I don't want us to have to endure the hard times to bring us closer together, but to live so in tuned to our Lord that each moment of each day draws us closer to Him and in turn to each other. He's about to wrap-up his busy season and I can't wait (like I'm the one dragging my tail to work everyday :) It's so hard to see him lose sleep and work like a dog, not to mention the mental stress. But even in these days, he finds time to come home for a late dinner and "night night" ritual with Caroline.

Each night we eat, play, do the "get ready for bed" routine and then bow at Caroline's "big girl bed" for prayer and scripture recital. Who would have thought that the scriptures she is memorizing would become my daily gasps of breath: "I will praise you oh Lord with all of my heart. I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you. I will sing praise to your name, Oh Most High!" Psalm 9:1-2 "I can lye down and go to sleep and I will wake up again for the Lord protects me." Psalm 4:8 "God will send His angels to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. And now we're teaching her, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world. But that through him the world might be saved." John 3:17 And, her recitation of the Lord's prayer is enough to throw me to my knees and beg the Lord to forgive my selfishness and teach me the faith of this little life!

So, why now? Why us? Why Hudson? The answer: because! Because what, I don't know. Yet I know that even though I'm crying out in continual agony inside, the Lord is meeting me there in that dark, sad, desparate place and bringing glory to His name. I don't know how. I don't care why. As long as He can carry me, I will live to His glory. May it be so this moment Lord!