A Day In the Life

So I'm learning that there's more to this grief thing than we really give credit until we're actually in the midst of it. Just about the time I think I'm "managing" I get knocked off my feet by a wave of emotion that I didn't see coming.

We've had a lot of time to ourselves these past couple weeks, Mom and Dad had Caroline for 5 days and then she was home for 2 days before they kept her over the Labor Day weekend for us while Art and I headed to Cinci for a ball tournament. During this "great couple time" I felt like I just wasn't all there. Like I couldn't really even carry on a conversation with my husband let alone anyone else. Sure, I forced myself into the social world as I often must do when all the while what I really want to do is go to bed and stay there until, well who knows when that until is, but I noticed a very strange phenomenon that has occurred: my responsibility and joy in being a wife and mom is what really keeps me going most days. I've realized that if I didn't have Caroline here everyday I'd probably just laze around until 30 minutes before Art comes home from work so that I could quickly shower, throw on some clothes and make-up. It's like I have only 2 things to look forward to in my day (Art and Caroline) and when one of them is missing, it's as if a piece of me is missing.

Well, we attended a wedding last night that was absolutely adorable and I am so glad we were there. But, it made me realize that all the things I've studied are true: big festive events tend to bring out those unexpected emotions tangled up in our grief. And, the 2 trigger points of the evening were Art telling me of a little boy he was speaking with on the elevator in Cinci only to find out that his name was Hudson and then us having a conversation with a couple of people at the reception when a beautiful little boy with blond hair walked up being "all boy" and his dad saying, "Be careful, Hudson!" I swear my heart about leaped out of my chest and the fact that I could just stand there and ask, "What is his name?" and then smile at how cute he was without bursting into tears and running away is still a miracle to me.

It came to me tonight in the wee hours of the morning that I've been feeling like I'm swimming. Above the water line is the normal person's life and below the water line is a pool of depression that is constantly pulling and tugging at me. I've been treading water for 7 months now and I tell you at times I think only my nose is staying above that water line. At any moment a slight ripple in the water could take me under so fast . . . Yet, it's that constant, pursuing, wooing, gracious love of my Father that continues to breathe life back into my nostrils. Without Him I know I'd be sinking, and truth be told sometimes I just wish he'd let me. But, He reminds me daily that He is alive and well and working in, around and with me. He's allowed me to have a wonderful husband and daughter to give me something to look forward to each day and as we so constantly see these days He's given us a world of beauty around us to show us His love each moment.

So, for today, one of those heavy, emotional todays where I just can't figure out why I'm so cranky or why I have no energy or why I'm just kind of "mad at the world" I thank Him for reminding me even in the wee hours of the morning He can help me to understand me a little more. He can teach me just how intricately He's made each of us. And, He reminds me that our Hudson is with Him and one day we'll see him as he stands with our Father who will say "well done" and we can all rejoice together. Oh what a day that will be! I pray Caroline will grow up knowing that's our promise!