Formulating the Words

So many times these past 12 months I've tried to express my thoughts and feelings but just couldn't find the words. It reminds me of the scripture that talks about the Spirit interceding on our behalf with groans words can not express. I've been there. And yet, these last few months it's not because things are so terrible but because God has been so real that I find words to be inadequate. I've found that the more time I spend with Him the more I come to know Him and yet the more I can not formulate the words to tell others about it. Maybe that is what He meant when He said He wanted us to have a personal relationship with Him.

His sense of humor never ceases to amaze me either. Just this week I've really wanted to talk about some of the things He's been teaching me and yet I couldn't find the words and was becoming somewhat frustrated by that. Then a friend of mine who's having a hard time messaged me and I tried again to put some of it into writing and it seemed to sound completely jumbled. Sunday, Pastor Dale spoke on "GOD" and reiterated the fact that words just don't do it and when we try to describe Him we're really describing the indescribable. I couldn't help but laugh inside and found myself drawn to the altar for a time of thanksgiving and praise for how real and how PERSONAL He has been to me. I'm befuddled and perplexed that I've been called to share the gospel and yet, there is no way to truly explain or describe the reality of THE ONE Who was and is to come. So, for now I'm left to laugh (an inside joke between God and I). And yet, I feel I need to share the following:

When Christ came to save us, He did it. He did it knowing how screwed up we are. He did it knowing that we'd reject Him and mock Him with our lives. And yet, He did it.

When Christ spoke to those around Him He called them to Love as He has loved; to forgive as He forgives; to live as He lived. I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM IT! Yet I'm called to do it and must do it daily.

Sometimes in life, He allows us to hit rock bottom because He knows that it's only then we can truly understand these concepts. Until I realized my sin and how sick and perverse I was, and until I accepted His love and grace and forgiveness, I could never fully do the same for another. And now, I find that I'm asked to do this without expectation for the one I'm loving, forgiving, etc. That means I put myself and all that I am on the line each day as I have been asked not taking into account what it may cost me. For if I truly do that, I really have no rights. I really can't protect myself or my feelings. I have to relinquish my entire being, rights and feelings, to Him who justifies and cares for and protects. Which in the grand scheme of things is the safest place to live, yet my selfishness cons me into thinking that I can somehow protect myself from it. REALITY CHECK: He is the only one who can protect and provide!

If He can use anything or anyone in this world to complete His mission, than why can't He use me? Because of ME. So, again today Lord, I relinquish my all to Thee knowing that You are my ...

2009

What a year we've had! All I can say is God is real, He is active and He is living in and among us! I am so grateful for the loving women and men who have reached out to our family in our time of need through prayer, financial, physical and mental/emotional needs. I've always loved the book of Acts and especially chapter 2 verses 42-47:
"And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved."

Many of your homes have become our temple this year. Many of you clothed us, fed us, thought for us when we couldn't think for ourselves. And though our lives were filled with such turmoil, we received your generous gifts with glad hearts. I can not tell you enough how much you are loved! I can not tell you enough what God has done through you and your devotion to Him! I can never repay the countless hours of counsel and your simple presence by my side. And I am honored to have such amazing people in my life!!!

If you are reading this blog, you have touched our lives in ways you probably will never know this side of heaven. But know this, your prayers are being answered daily! Our God promised us that He would hear our prayers and would act on our behalf and He has! I am changed forever eternally because of the love you have lavished upon me and my family. Thank you!

So now, let me pray over you as you have done so much for me: "My Lord and my God, I am ever grateful for your loving mercy, grace and compassion. I thank you for your watch-care and peace in the midst of life's turmoil. Lord, You alone deserve our praise and I extend my hands to you in worship and adoration for you are Holy! Dear Lord, You know each and every person for whom this prayer is written. You have placed them in my life for a specific purpose and I thank you for them. Please, Lord, let this new year, 2010, be a Life changing event for them. Be as real to them as You have been to me this past year. While I ask that you keep them from unnecessary pain and stress, I ask that you do whatever needed to help them see Your face. May they find You in places they didn't know existed and may Your Word be as real to them as You have spoken it to me. I thank you, Lord, for your active Word in my life and the lives of those around me! Speak, Lord, and make us hear Your voice, and Yours alone. Keep us from the evil one and all the lies he throws our way. Help us to live above this world and in Your presence each moment of every day! Oh how I love You!"

Happy 2010! I love you dearly!!!!!!

He Is Our Defender

This year, 3 Godly women in my life gave me 3 separate devotional books. I think sometimes we feel like we do things like that "just because", but I think we forget that it's more than that. In fact, I know it is because I am the recipient of their obedience. That's right, obedience. I truly believe that God spoke to each of these ladies through the Holy Spirit and urged them to give me these devotionals because He wanted to use them to speak to me. Why do I think this? Because every day of this year He has talked directly to me through them. It's as if He's sitting before me talking with me about what I am living through at that very moment. I do not understand it, as these were written many years ago, but if for no other reason I think they were written because He knew He had a clear message for me.

Take today for example. I did not awake under the best of circumstances. Ok! This morning stunk! I have cried my heart out, poured out my thoughts verbally to the Lord, and even called my sister leaving her a message of me balling my eyes out ranting about how I'm so tired, how life was not meant to be this way, how I feel so alone and know I can't walk this journey alone, how I'm only walking this path at this point because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is where and what God wants me to do. Basically, how I feel sorry for myself! I've even started wondering this AM if maybe this is what life is supposed to be like now since the Fall. That's what sin has done to our "life"; it has made us dead! Maybe that's where all those old hymns came from; people who were so tired and worn of this life that they're only joy was to long for the day when it would all be no more and Life would be restored and our beautiful Savior would have done just that - save us!

But that's what He's trying to do now. He's trying to get us to see that He is saving us even now, even in the midst of this crazy mess we call living. There is so much more, I know it! I know it because He is telling me about it, showing me daily through my devotionals. I grew up thinking that if I were really close with Him I'd hear His voice like I hear the voices of those around me. But I've come to know His voice more vividly through these devotionals now more than anytime in my life. Oh yeh, back to my "ranting" this AM. I really was at the end of my ability to process the chaos of my life and I sat down to read and here's what He told me:

"Your heart will be where your treasure is." (Matt 6:21) "He is my defender, I will not be defeated" (Psalm 62:6) One author asked, "What is God doing when you are in a bind? When the lifeboat springs a leak? When the rip chord snaps? When the last penny is gone before the last bill is paid?..." The answer? "HE FIGHTS FOR US! He steps into the ring and points us to our corner and takes over. 'Remain calm; the Lord will fight for you." (Ex 14:14) I guarantee you that when he wrote this, Max Lucado didn't know I was going to wake up this morning feeling "woe is me". But I'm sure that God knew I would wake up this morning needing to be reminded that He is fighting for me and He has made it known to me through the wonderful Godly women of my life who have carried me through this journey in so many ways, including obedience to something as simple as giving me these devotional books. He knew that I would need to read about the disciples straining at the oars in Mark 6: "Straining and striving does not accomplish the work God gives us to do. Only God Himself, who always works without stress and strain and who never overworks, can do the work He assigns His children. When we trust Him to do it, the work will be completed and will be done well." And did the writer from the Sunday School Times know that I needed to be reminded that "the way to let Him do His work through us is to so fully abide in Christ by faith that He fills us to overflowing"? Or did Hannah Whitall Smith know that I needed to be reminded of, yet again? That the Lord said to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands" (Josh 6:2) rather than saying, "Hey Josh, I'm gonna deliver you." She wrote that the "victory already belonged to the children of Israel, and now they were called to take possession of it. But the big question still remaining was how. It looked impossible, but the Lord had a plan." Do you see a pattern here? Maybe this will tie up the loose fragments of my scattered thought process:

The final devotional started out this way, "Our Lord, the God of the troubled and the weary, come and save us." That was the title and it was followed by, "I am your Saviour. Not only from the weight of sin, but from the weight of care, from misery, and depression, from want and woe, from faintness and heartache. Your Saviour." And it went on to remind me to "Abide in Me... Look to Me for all...Drop those burdens, and then, singing and free, you can go on your way rejoicing. Encumbered with them you will fall. Drop them at My feet, knowing surely that I will lift them and deal with each one as is truly best."

Is that freaky or what? Does God know me? Is He alive and working in and through me? I can only answer yes. He might as well have dropped a bill-board in my front yard that said in neon flashing pink "I AM HERE AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE." That might have been less work for me, but I probably wouldn't have internalized it as much as I have via the method He chose. And that's just it: He chose! He loves me enough to walk me through the journey.

Ever eaten pancakes? Caroline and I love to have pancakes for breakfast. Have you ever tasted the batter before they are cooked - YUCK! It is nasty. But something happens when you drop them on that hot skillet filled with smoltering margarine. They are transformed into this amazing melt-in-your-mouth wonder that when covered in syrup makes even the worst of days seem like heaven (if only for a minute). So that's what I did this AM, I made myself some pancakes, read a couple of devotionals and now I'm off to lay my burdens at His feet and sit in my corner and let Him slay the giants for me. I pray your day is filled with pancakes of heaven and you allow yourself to endure the heat and sizzle until you too are transformed into something amazing!

He Knows

"He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." (Job 23:10) "In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (Rom 8:37)

Today my mind struggled with whether or not I'm following the path God intends for me, and whether or not I'm following it the way He wants me to. The devil, or my mind (sometimes I'm not sure there is much of a difference), really tried to plant seeds of doubt and discouragement. But, the cool thing is I had the assurance that the Lord has been faithful to give me each day and though I couldn't turn off my brain, I could counteract it's thoughts with seeds of peace and comfort.

Of late, I've come to expect the worst so that I'll be pleasantly surprised by simple and good things. I hate living that way though, it seems so foreign to me. Anyway, I laid my head on my pillow tonight and could not stop wrestling with the idea that I don't want to walk the path that is before me. I mean, it's too hard, it's too painful, I can't see an end in sight, and logically it doesn't make sense. So, I asked Him (as I often do) to speak to me through the devotional I had been saving to read until the house was quiet and guess what it said. It gave me the above scriptures from Job and Romans along with the following excerpt from Streams in the Dessert: "Unbelief looks at God through the circumstances, just as we often see the sun dimmed by clouds or smoke. But faith puts God between itself and its circumstances, and looks at them through Him...'Wait for the Lord (Ps 27:14). Patiently wait!'...Yes, 'in all these' - even during storms, when the winds are the most intense -'we are more than conquerors.' You may be tempted to run from the ordeal of a fierce storm of testing, but head straight for it! God is there to meet you in the center of each trial. And He will whisper to you His secrets, which will bring you out with a radiant face and such an invincible faith that all the demons of hell will never be able to shake it."

So the first and most important thing I take from all that is GOD SPEAKS! If you don't believe me, read again what I just wrote. He spoke directly to me, telling me exactly what He wanted me to know, all I had to do was to be willing to let Him speak. Second, we find peace in the midst of our chaos by openly and honestly standing before Him. He knows what I'm thinking and why I'm thinking it better than I do. In the past I've tried to play mind-games with myself to keep me from facing what I really think and feel, but I've learned that it is ok to just be honest and lay it at His feet even if I'm just having a tantrum. He already knows the truth, why not face it myself? And third, there is so much more to this life than we give credit. There is an eternal world around us that we don't see and rarely hear, yet it is alive and active in the temporal world we live in. I want to be able to see it and feel it and touch it and live in it every moment and I know someday I will (in the sweet by and by for those of us who grew up on hymns), but I know we can live it now and I'm slowly catching a glimpse of it.

I hate that the world of the flesh robs me of the ability to live there 24/7. I pray that the Lord will continue to teach me and show me how to BE STILL and see what He has in store. And most important, I pray that I will live in such a place that allows Him to whisper to me His secrets and me be able to actually sense His presence and hear His whisper. I don't know about you, but the thought of God whispering secrets to me gives me goose bumps. That's one of Caroline's favorite things to do right now, "C'mere Mommy. I wanna tell you a secret." Everytime she does, it's that breathy little sweet smelling voice of my precious one and it sends shivers all over me. If Caroline's secrets are that precious to me, how much more precious are the secrets of the creator of that precious one?

Confession

God has so faithfully spoken to me these past few months through the darkest hours of my life. His love has surrounded me with peace untold. I am ever grateful for His presence in my life and I can testify that when you truly come to the end of yourself, He is there!

I failed this week. I went back on my word. To many, I had just cause. But to the one I hurt, there is no excuse - I lied. As much time as I have spent with the Lord walking the stormy journey of these last few months you would think that I of all people would be a woman of her word. Just goes to prove we are all in need of God's grace!

In the midst of my turmoil and angst over the realization of what I had done, while trying to repent and seek forgiveness (still really trying to justify my actions), Caroline said to me, "Mommy, Daddy makes bad choices sometimes, and I make bad choices sometimes and you make bad choices sometimes. But we can ask Jesus to forgive us and He will fix our broken heart because He loves us." OH MY! If that didn't strike the chords of your heart as it did mine, maybe you missed what was said. This precious 3 1/2-year-old gets it! She understands that we have a God who loves us and is always waiting for us to come to Him with humble hearts and find mercy and forgiveness and restoration. Now, she said it in 3-year-old lingo, but that's it. "We can ask Jesus to forgive us and He will fix our broken heart because He loves us." Why do we make it so hard? And why don't we own up to our sin, as Pastor Dale preached 2 Sunday's ago? Why justify our wrongs? Why not own up to them for what they are and seek the Forgiver and the one to whom we need to ask forgiveness?

If we are in a relationship with our Lord, He is going to prune us. He is going to point out our faults/shortcomings/sins/whatever you want to call them. He is going to continue to transform us to be like Him. I was tempted in this scenario to beat myself up and treat myself as though my sin were to great for God. Fortunately, I recognized that this in my life is idolatry. My sin is not greater than my God. If I would have given into that temptation I would have gone on justifying my actions and would eventually fail again. But the words of my daughter kept ringing in my ear as did the sermon mentioned. Rather than allowing the evil one to trick me into that lifestyle, God reminded me to turn to Him and let Him be my deliverer.

I pray that I will be a woman of my word and that I will humble myself before Him each moment of each day and allow Him to "search me and know me". May you sense His faithfullness in your presence today and may you too find the words of a 3-year-old true in your life!

Faith

Scripture tells me that faith is the hope of things unseen; a free gift from the Lord. By faith miracles happen. Yet throughout my life and more so these past couple of years, I have wondered if I really had faith or if it is just something I believe in but haven't really experienced. I mean, I know that God has gifted all of us with a certain measure of faith, but I have A LOT of light and my faith should be greater than the average Joe.

I now know that my faith is real. It is not something I can work for or create, but something the Lord bestows upon us through our journey in Him. I have had the worst 2 years of my life from the average persons point-of-view. Most of you probably won't know or understand all the implications of that statement but you know a few of the trials along the way and a few of you know the intimate details (God help you!). But I must say with tears and a pain-filled heart that this has truly been the best 2 years I have ever had Spiritually. God is so near and dear to me...He's had to be everything to me. I now am beginning to understand what that means and what that good ole hymn was talking about.

When your world falls apart and your existence seems to fade, He becomes all those things you've lost or never even attained. He becomes all those things you never knew you needed. He becomes the air you breathe that forces you to live another day; the love you need to give the child you lost; the relationship you should have always had but were neglected; the joy of life selfishly taken from you; the peace you so desperately desire but know will not come; the beat of your broken heart forcing you live on; the nourishment for your starving body and soul; the calm in the storm of your anxiety when your chest feels as though it will give way to the pressure; the comfort you can not find no matter where you look; the faith you need to have hope for something better than all this.

I do not know what my next minute holds or how I will hold-up in it, but I know the One who creates that minute; the One who created me. And I can say in the midst of this moment He has proven faithful and I will serve Him now and forever. "No wonder they call Him Savior." He is real. I have seen Him. He has wrapped His loving arms around me in the wee hours of the morning and held me when I just couldn't go on. He has made Himself so real to me these days that I can not even imagine a life lived outside of Him. "He is my everything! He is my all! He is my everything both great and small. He gave His life for me, made everything new. He is my everything. Now how about you?"

Set Apart

So I've learned something in the last few months about myself that I think I had forgotten somewhere along the way - I'm pretty strong-willed. But through the trials of this past year I've become even stronger-Willed. How you ask? Let me first ask you a few questions:

Do you really believe the Lord? Do you really believe that His word is true? Do you really believe that He can do exactly what He said He could do and more? Do you really believe that you are to love your enemies, even lay down your life for them? Do you really believe that the person who takes you for granted or even treats you like garbage is a child of God? Do you really believe that your existence has been gifted to you and that you are the steward of that gift? When your world turns upside down and you find yourself completely alone, do you really feel alone? In the quiet moments of your life, where do your thoughts go?

These are just some of the questions I have had to ask myself this past year and to seek honest answers I've had to endure "self examination." Anyone know what I'm saying? I hate "the time for introspection." I mean really, wouldn't it just be easier to go help someone or serve somewhere or do something for the Lord rather than selfishly focus on me? (boy that's a whole lot of verbs) Woe to those of us who avoid this harsh and horrific task by masquerading it with service!

What I've learned this year is that I do believe the Lord! I do believe His word is true. I believe He can do everything He said He could do and more! And, you know what I've found that I love the most out of the "AHA! Moment?" When my world turned upside down and I was completely alone, I wasn't really alone. He was and is there with me. In my quiet moments my thoughts and heart drift towards Him and the things of Him. Why? Not because I'm so good and mighty and spiritual, but because He has brought me to a place of solitude which has required complete and utter openness before Him. He's forced me to a place of "self examination" that hasn't been very pretty.

The result: so far I've found that I am a "lone reed" (for those of you who share my love for You've Got Mail). The Lord calls us to do His will. And so many times we cloud His will with our wants and desires and even our feeble attempts at simply trying to make sense of the chaos of this world. The reality is that He calls us out, to be set apart. To NOT be like everyone else (even like all the other Christians). His word is much more Holy than we give credit and I look back over my beliefs and thought patterns prior to this year and while they were "well intended" they were completely and totally misguided.

God has called me to a place of solitude where I am to live with Him even when it doesn't make sense to me let alone the rest of the world. I don't get it. I don't even attempt to understand it. But I do know that it is "not in line" with the thought processes of most people I know, even the Godly persons I love so dear. And while it scares me to death, I have total Peace within it.

Though the world around me crumbles and my life begins to fade, I will ever live to love You. Set apart for You I'm made.

Wait!

We walk through life preaching and teaching what we know and have heard from those who have gone before us. We spend our lives devoted to the truth and leading others to Him. Then one day we find ourselves in the midst of the fire and all we can do is hold on to Christ and trust that everything we've devoted our existence to is real and is truth.

Art and I are in the process of learning what it means to wait upon the Lord. We thought that loosing Hudson was surely the "trial" of our lives only to find that it was just a precursor to what lied ahead. 2008 has been just too hard! Too many deaths, too many disappointments, too many failures, too many you name its. When we look back it all seems a blur and we still feel that somehow we'll wake up and it will all have been just a dream, a nightmare. But, reality keeps us grounded as usual and I've finally stopped pinching myself in the last 2 weeks because I know this is our new reality.

Through everything we've endured this year we had 2 realities: Christ is Lord and we have each other. So, what do you do when the devil realizes that's where you live and decides to attack the only thing left he can - having each other. It's truly the most unexplainable, heart wrenching, agonizing torture of the heart and mind to endure. So, what do you do?

Some have said that God at times allows you to walk around the fire or protects you from the fire and other times He walks you through the fire. We are living examples of His word as He's using this fire to refine us. He's re-teaching us some basic principles of Spirit-filled life that we'd forgotten or distorted along the way. And, for the first time in my life I'm actually having to learn to take care of myself. For some that's not hard, but for me that is a completely foreign concept. I mean come on, we're called to live a self-less life not a selfish life. Yet, somehow we forget that we're human and we weren't created to be God, we were created to be God's. After years of doing and serving and taking care of others (anyone and everyone but ourselves) we have been brought to our knees and are learning that all He wants from us right now is to allow Him to take care and for us to let Him.

We're nowhere near where we want to be, but God has done some amazing things in our lives this past month. He's teaching us what He meant when He told Martha that Mary had chosen the right thing. He's teaching us what it means when scripture says why worry about tomorrow for today has enough worry of its own. He's teaching us a new way of living "and the 2 shall become 1." "Trust in the Lord with your whole heart and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths" - He's shown us the mess that is made in leaning on your own understanding. And my least favorite thing He's teaching us right now is to "wait upon the Lord." UGH!!!! I have to wait on enough things in life, how in the world does He expect me to actually wait on Him? I'll tell ya how: He allows the testing and trying to take out everything in my life that I believe in except for the one truth that can never be taken away - Jesus Christ is Lord! Needless to say, I have a new found kinship with Job, though I can't say that I really wanted to know him better =) So, as cliche as it may be I've decided to write a poem from the heart. May it bless whoever reads this and may you find strength in its Truth when your valley shadows your existence and you don't even know if you can go another step in the journey.

Each day I walk along life's road, some days are filled with light. Today I journey a desolate road where daytime oft appears as night. Though this valley masquerades as the end of my way, there is a breeze faint, gentile and sweet. It reminds me that the mountain is ahead with its white and snowy peak. O Lord, please blow that breeze my way and whisper Your words of love. For I know that breeze to me was sent by the one true Light above. I will trudge on through this valley low, though the journey seems so drear. Keep fast my loved ones, strong and true familiar to your heart, so dear. We will make it then, from this valley we'll climb, we WILL make our journey's end. With you O Lord, our strength and shield, in grace and peace we ascend!

We Have a 3-year-old!!!!

WOW! We can't believe our little one is 3. She is growing so fast and if she doesn't slow down she'll be 16 tomorrow! Help us Lord =)

Caroline celebrated her Mickey Mouse themed birthday with her 6 cousins and aunt and uncle in Scottsdale last week. She absolutely had a ball. Art and I relaxed enjoying some leisure time and catching up with our family. So nice to have times like these. Then we came home and Caroline celebrated her actual birth date with her Papa and Grammy and Daddy and Mommy over some lasagna and a chocolate Dora cake. She has so many new toys to play with we might just keep all of her Christmas presents and save them for late Spring (though I don't think she'd be very excited about that).

All the Christmas decorations are up and we've had so much fun enjoying the season thus far, but there is a keen sense of absence that our Hudson is not with us. His little booties hang from the mantle as a reminder to celebrate his precious life and the Life we've received through the promise of our Lord's coming again. I want to make this Christmas so special for Caroline so that she'll truly understand what a wonderful gift we've been given through our Lord's life, death and resurrection; that we have such a wonderful gift still ahead to celebrate when He returns to take us home, all of us together as one big family.

Our hope and prayer is that we do not miss this season of Hope. That we accept every moment as another visitation of His Spirit and that we share it with everyone we come into contact with. He is doing some mighty things in our life and in our faith right now. I can't wait to share them with you as they unfold. For now I'll simply say, "Stop whatever you are doing and take the time to enjoy this moment!" Each moment renders the opportunity for life anew and we do not want to miss it!

Merry Christmas!

Fall and Fun

We've had such a great time these last few weeks enjoying the return of Autumn. Caroline is discovering the beauty of the earth as we watch the leaves turning colors and the gorgeos sky that God has painted for us. We've taken trips to see family and spent time with friends and done a little work here and there.

Caroline is thoroughly enjoying her "big girl room" as we've moved all her toys into her room and the bonus room. She disappears from time to time and I can hear her through the monitor talking to her dolls and stuffed animals. It really is amazing to listen to her conversations with them. Sometimes it is embarrassing because I hear myself coming out of her mouth and other times it is just down right hysterical. She is such a sweet natured child that disciplining her is becoming harder and harder. For example: a couple of days ago I heard her playing with her portable DVD player and told her to leave it alone because she was being to rough and it was going to break. And of course that's what happened. She broke the lid off at the hinges. While it still works with some fenagling, I had to address the fact that she disobeyed. I said, "Caroline, I told you to leave it alone and you disobeyed me." She replied as loud and dramatic as she could, "Yes! You did and I disobeyed and broke it. I did. I disobeyed and now it is broked and we can't use it. I sorry, Mommy, I'm not supposed to disobey. That's bad, I know! I sorry." Let me just tell you I almost fell out on the floor laughing. Her discipline? I took it away to save it for car trips. Today she spent about 15 minutes walking through the house trying to find it, "Is my DVD in here, Mommy?"

Art and I are celebrating some new found freedoms and I'm enjoying the fact that his birthday is this weekend. Anyone who knows me knows that I love special days. I got him a very special gift which took me a couple of weeks to work out, but he's loving it and I'm thankful. God has been so good to us and we know now more than ever that everything we have and are is only because of Him. We pray that we will be good stewards of His gifts.

Remember, no matter who is elected president next month God is still Lord of all!

A Day In the Life

So I'm learning that there's more to this grief thing than we really give credit until we're actually in the midst of it. Just about the time I think I'm "managing" I get knocked off my feet by a wave of emotion that I didn't see coming.

We've had a lot of time to ourselves these past couple weeks, Mom and Dad had Caroline for 5 days and then she was home for 2 days before they kept her over the Labor Day weekend for us while Art and I headed to Cinci for a ball tournament. During this "great couple time" I felt like I just wasn't all there. Like I couldn't really even carry on a conversation with my husband let alone anyone else. Sure, I forced myself into the social world as I often must do when all the while what I really want to do is go to bed and stay there until, well who knows when that until is, but I noticed a very strange phenomenon that has occurred: my responsibility and joy in being a wife and mom is what really keeps me going most days. I've realized that if I didn't have Caroline here everyday I'd probably just laze around until 30 minutes before Art comes home from work so that I could quickly shower, throw on some clothes and make-up. It's like I have only 2 things to look forward to in my day (Art and Caroline) and when one of them is missing, it's as if a piece of me is missing.

Well, we attended a wedding last night that was absolutely adorable and I am so glad we were there. But, it made me realize that all the things I've studied are true: big festive events tend to bring out those unexpected emotions tangled up in our grief. And, the 2 trigger points of the evening were Art telling me of a little boy he was speaking with on the elevator in Cinci only to find out that his name was Hudson and then us having a conversation with a couple of people at the reception when a beautiful little boy with blond hair walked up being "all boy" and his dad saying, "Be careful, Hudson!" I swear my heart about leaped out of my chest and the fact that I could just stand there and ask, "What is his name?" and then smile at how cute he was without bursting into tears and running away is still a miracle to me.

It came to me tonight in the wee hours of the morning that I've been feeling like I'm swimming. Above the water line is the normal person's life and below the water line is a pool of depression that is constantly pulling and tugging at me. I've been treading water for 7 months now and I tell you at times I think only my nose is staying above that water line. At any moment a slight ripple in the water could take me under so fast . . . Yet, it's that constant, pursuing, wooing, gracious love of my Father that continues to breathe life back into my nostrils. Without Him I know I'd be sinking, and truth be told sometimes I just wish he'd let me. But, He reminds me daily that He is alive and well and working in, around and with me. He's allowed me to have a wonderful husband and daughter to give me something to look forward to each day and as we so constantly see these days He's given us a world of beauty around us to show us His love each moment.

So, for today, one of those heavy, emotional todays where I just can't figure out why I'm so cranky or why I have no energy or why I'm just kind of "mad at the world" I thank Him for reminding me even in the wee hours of the morning He can help me to understand me a little more. He can teach me just how intricately He's made each of us. And, He reminds me that our Hudson is with Him and one day we'll see him as he stands with our Father who will say "well done" and we can all rejoice together. Oh what a day that will be! I pray Caroline will grow up knowing that's our promise!

The Speechless Child

Most recently the Lord has been dealing with me regarding some "unpleasantries" from my past. Things from childhood that I thought I had long since outgrown, which I'm beginning to see I really just tried to outrun. Things that have shaped me into who I am today, both good and bad. I had an adolescent dream to become a Christian Child Psychologist knowing inside it was just because I knew first hand that there are experiences we have that we can't sometimes put into words; things we can't deal with on our own and can't truly express. Obviously, as I've aged I've come to know just how true that is and I've also come to know that my "dream" I thought I had was really just a way for me to escape dealing with my own life experiences by becoming an advocate for the little ones who are so misunderstood.

Well, I'm 35 and not a psychologist. I'm beginning to view myself as a "lifeologist". What freedom I have found of late to be able to use my life experiences to glorify God. And, what a blessing to know that I'm still living a life of experience for which He is continually allowing me to share and witness. I have been given much. And as I've heard so many times, to whom much is given much is required. There is a responsibility that comes from experience that many tend to forget - SHARING IT! What I have gone through, what I am going through, what I will go through in life are all things that I need to allow the Lord to use to relate to my brothers, sisters, neighbors.

As a child, I could not utter even a word due to horror or timidity or mere lack of vocabulary. As an adult, I must realize that I'm not a speechless child, I am the daughter of the one who created speech. I'm not alone in this world, I was created for relationship both with my Creator and His creation. And, when all else fails (ha!) I can utter nothing in His face and He understands me perfectly! So for those of you out there who just need to lay it all out, but you don't know the words to say, "there is One who intercedes on your behalf with utterances too lofty for words."

Sky Painting

I've really been trying to make sure we incorporate God's love into the "everyday" things we take for granted. I want Caroline to see that He has displayed His love for us everywhere. And now, she's teaching me . . .

She woke up next to me the other morning (Art was out of town so I let her sleep with me) and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Mommy, God painted the sky so pretty!" I almost lost it! How precious that the first thing on my 2.5 year old's mind as she awakened to a new day was God's pretty display of love He painted in the sky. If we could only remember that every moment of every day. Too precious for words!

Vacation

We just returned from Cape San Blas, Florida and it was wonderful! We've not had a week long beach vacation for a couple of years and it was a very much needed gift. The time was spent doing absolutely nothing other than relaxing around the pool, on the beach, playing games, etc. We had no schedules, nothing to dress-up for, no stress . . . ahhh! Caroline became a little fish with froggy water-wings. She got to hold a crab, swim "by myself in the ocean" and she's still trying to figure out why we can't go potty anywhere but the toilet "or in the ocean" =) Oh, come on, you know you do it too =) I'll be adding some pix over the next couple of days below. Art got his usual over-fill of games and I had to remind myself that I wasn't the only cook in the house (I know, I'm weird that way, I just really enjoy preparing meals and "fixin'" in the kitchen). Anyway, when our last day arrived I could not believe that the time was gone. Usually, by the last day I'm weary and ready to be home, but not this time.

I had several encounters with the Lord during the week, some extremely convicting and some which haunted me for several hours or even a couple of days. His presence was so real to me in a strange new way. I didn't have to manufacture it or force myself into a mode to recognize his voice, he was just ever present. I'm sure the family at times thought I was either upset or out of it because I wasn't "with it" all the time if that makes any sense. Mentally, I was in another world.

Grace. It seemed to be the overall theme of my time with him. He's afforded so much grace to me and his word tells me that the grace I've been given I should extend. How do you extend grace when your entire world seems broken, or when you've been wronged, or how about when you just plain old don't feel like it? But, that's grace. It's not something earned. It's not something we deserve. Truthfully, it's not something we even have to accept. It's a gift given, period. When I least deserve it, there he is constantly extending his hand of mercy and grace. If I believe him and he truly lives within me and I am truly his, grace should just pour out of me. Yet, somewhere within me lies a selfish, right demanding person who shows her true colors far more than I'd like. And there it is, still, this grace.

The most fearful words I could write at this time are these: he's calling me to live a life of grace. Ouch! That means I have to forfeit "my rights," make room for those around me who don't do things the way I think they should or want them to, accept people for who they are - God's children. There's that old saying about "rose colored glasses," what if I skipped the glasses and viewed everyone I encounter through God's eyes. Hmmmmm . . .

What about the family at the pool who to be honest "grossed me out!" I watched and watched them trying to figure them out and all I kept seeing were people with bad hygiene, no manners, and broken spirits. It took me 2 days to offer a word of encouragement because I was too busy worrying about their exterior. Yet, something inside me was drawn to them. And, when I gave way to that pull all I could see was pain and heartache pouring out. The most amazing thing happened though. When I made a simple gesture of kindness, this saddened, hurting lady turned to me with a smile and offered us any pool toy she had for the kids. How crazy is that? Here I was dealing with the "yuck" factor and how to make sure all our toys made it back with us and didn't end up in their pile and here she was, hurting, obviously not well-off, offering us anything she had simply because I made a polite gesture which cost me nothing. So for MA and her family I am still praying that God would intervene on their lives in an extraordinary way and bring Spiritual healing and restoration to them, and to her specifically I will be ever grateful for she was God's life example of the lessons he was teaching me that week.

A New Day

Today was Hudson's "due date". Though he was to be scheduled for c-section around the 10th of June, today was his actual due date. I've been caught off-guard at my display of emotion these past couple of days. I thought the hardest time would have been around the 10th so I sent out a "prayer email" to a group of ladies and my husband requesting them to uplift us during that time. What I neglected to do was to ask for prayer this week. Why? Because I so gratefully felt the prayers of my Spiritual sojourners the first part of this month I didn't take the time to Spiritually prepare for this weeks heartache.

Why is it that we know the time is coming yet we do nothing to prepare ourselves? I once had that question posed to me through a Bible Study and I remember vowing that from then on I would do my best to prepare. Yet, here I go again, blind-sided by what I should have been expecting. Sure, I have every right to be emotional and that's what happens with grief. But, I could and should have been prepared for it. Instead, I was worn-out by my recent travels and responsibilities and when I awakened yesterday with a heart filled with grief I was so taken back that I spent a good part of my day trying to figure out how I could have "forgotten" that day was coming.

Well, today is a new day! I love my son and his memory and I want to share with you the most treasured memory I have of him . . . he looked just like his father! My handsome, beautiful husband's image was recreated in this little life I had the privilege to carry for 21 weeks. Sure, he was his own unique little self, but there is no question who his daddy is because he looked so much like him.

Does that ring a bell? That's each of our stories! We are all created in the image of our Heavenly Father. And yet, we have individual characteristics that differentiate each of us from the other. On this June 24, 2008 I pose to you the question, are you making a positive Spiritual impact on those around you? Because what they see in and through you is their 1st hand look at our Father. May our lives reflect Him in a manner for which he is worthy.

Today is a new day. I will remember to prepare my life each day for those unexpected (which should be expected) times in which I truly need to reflect Him and reflect on Him.

Memories

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Tonight is Caroline's first sleep-over away from home. I'm a nervous wreck! Even though she is with some wonderful christian people I can not stop worrying about her. And ya know, I think the evil in this world could completely overwhelm me if I let it; I just can't bear the thought of losing another child. Still, I force myself to step way out of my comfort zone and entrust this precious gift to others - I mean come on, nobody can take care of you better than Daddy and Mommy. And yet, I continuously must remind myself that she's not ours. She belongs to the Lord and He is the only one who can truly care for her the way she should be cared for. Anyway, the memories . . .

Her 1st sleep-over has brought back a flood of memories. I was always one of those kids who only had 1 best friend. I had a lot of friends, but I always had 1 special "best" friend. Seriously, we joke about how I lived with my best friends. From the time I was in 6th grade my best friend and I spent all but maybe 1 night a week at each other's house. Then we'd move and I'd make another best friend. I think of all the things we did that would absolutely horrify any parent to no end, not realizing at the time how dangerous they were or how they would impact who we would become. But to this day, I will never forget Angela, Kim or Cati (2 of which I am still in contact).

I guess nothing has really changed in that regard. I still have only 1 best friend, my hubby. Frankly, I wouldn't trade that for the world. And, when I think about it, how weird is this, I think I actually have another best friend who is 2.5 years old. I know, "we're supposed to parent them not be their friend." But, I spend almost every waking minute with a toddler and love it! I learn more from her both directly and indirectly each day than I ever learned in school. I can't stand to think about that day when she looks at me and says, "Mom, please don't walk with me, you're so embarrassing." Who knows, maybe that won't happen. It didn't with me and my parents. I can't even remember a time I didn't want them around. Even today I love having them in town or in the midst of life's activities.

And, if you know me at all you know that all of this reflection can not take place without me drawing a Spiritual parallel. This week is the week we would have been scheduled for to have Hudson via C-Section. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion worrying more about how I would react than really dealing with the grief. So, I sent out an email to a group of ladies and my best man who I consider to be my prayer warriors. And you know what? Our prayers were answered. I've been so busy with VBS, my sister being in town with her kids, etc. that I really only became emotional when people would contact me to let me know they were praying. And, that emotion was of joy and gratitude for their prayers were being answered not an overwhelming release of agony or grief. That I of all people have become the embodiment of God's answer to their prayers. What a humbling experience! The crazy thing, at other points in my life I would have never sent out the request. But the above scripture has rung so true to me during this time that I couldn't keep myself from running to my sisters and brother. He has given us partners on this temporal journey who speak to God and He hears their prayer. So why would I ever be ashamed to ask for someone's prayer? Not reaching out and acknowledging my weakness would be idolatry. I don't know about you, but I don't have all the answers or even the strength to make it through 1 day let alone think I could go this journey alone.

As for my 2 best buddies, they are precious gifts and do not belong to me. So, Lord, help me to give them to you each moment of the day and use me to your glory! As for the scripture listed above, I think the Lord is sending me a "see I told ya so" as it's the text for our Sunday School lesson this Sunday. Isn't God funny?

Life Goes On or Does It?

Some have said that after loss it takes time to get back to a normal life. Some have even said that life goes on but you never get over it. The "new" material talks about life taking on a "new kind of normal". So far, I don't get any of it. Yes, life goes on and you find that you can make it through a week or two without tears or that dull ache that eats away your heart only thrusts itself into your awareness a couple of times a week rather than every moment, but is that really life going on? Is it a new kind of normal we have to live with? Is that "getting over it"?

Many have commented that losing a child is the worst grief there is and yet I question that after this week. We lost a dear friend to suicide, not so much a friend as a mentor and brother in Christ, and it has rocked my world! I would give anything to have 5 minutes alone with him (I'm sure his family wishes the same), but the time has past and the moment slipped away and now we're left with questions. Losing Hudson has been the most horribly devistating hurt I could ever describe. And yet, there have been so many blessings through his loss. What kind of blessing can come through suicide? I'll tell you:

It's not life that goes on after loss; it's LIFE that goes on after loss. It's not a "new kind of normal" it's continuing in the LIFE that we've been given as our normal. When we live Life in the Spirit, our goal is eternity with Christ. Along the journey the Fall of this world presents many losses and/or disappointments, but it doesn't mean that our Life changes. John talks about us being the branches that are given life through the vine. The cool thing about branches are that the branches have branches. For me, I'm coming to realize that these times of loss/dismay are those pivotal moments in which we sprout another branch. My Life is in tact, I simply gain another branch of life to bear more fruit. The original branch continues to bear fruit while this new "shute" in the journey begins to bear fruit.

My grandmother used to stop on the side of the road when we'd travel and go tear a branch off of a pretty plant she wanted. She'd take it home and care for it until it became her own bush or tree full of life. I think we forget that when some branches of our life fall away, there is still the potential for Life if that branch is repotted or whatever it is that causes root to take hold (can you tell I do not have a green thumb) and taken care of by our Father. We talk so much about the branches being cut off to prune us for growth and while that is true, sometimes the branches are cut off by the world not by Christ. And for those, we need to gather them up, care for them and repot them in fertile soil.

For me, my branch is in the precious hands of our Lord; I don't have to worry about that. But for the lives of so many devistated through loss which seems to have no hope, I am assured now more than ever that the only place we can find strength is in the hope that our God is much bigger than we give Him credit and He's more loving and more merciful than we will ever imagine and He's got it under control. So, these days, I'm living LIFE not life because life is too hard and too sad and too empty. Living LIFE is amazingly peaceful even when the storms are all around.

Another Day

Keeping busy these days for sure, but Hudson is always in our forethought. And, how could he not be when everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn. Saturday was the first day Art's had off since the week we had Hudson and it began very emotionally and ended very emotionally. While I hate my sis and family moved 2 time zones away, I was very grateful they were 2 hours behind us Saturday night. While the rest of my world slept, I was able to ball to my mom and sis. Some days are just like that. Nothing provokes it, you just wake up crying. Amazing how God created our bodies so specifically, even our tears bring peace.

Caroline has been such a joy this week. She's growing so fast! We joined the YMCA and she loves it. We've been swimming 2 or 3 times a week in the indoor pool and unlike the church nursery, most of the time we get there and she just walks right into the playroom like "Hello, I'm here, pay me attention." The playroom workers today said, "Is this your drama-queen?" I started laughing because I have to look at Art several times a week in response to something she's doing and say, "Drama, drama, drama!"

Our newest adventure has been Caroline verbally embarrassing me in public. Yes, Mom, I know that this is just payback for all the times I embarrassed you. But, if she points at someone and tells them they're "BIG" one more time or has to discuss body parts in front of others again, my face might just stay permanently red! =) What do you do?

Art has been enjoying his new found "free time" though tend to keep filling it up, and Doodlebug and I are enjoying having him around more. She now only says, "I need my daddy!" once or twice a week as opposed to several times a day. And, I'm sure he's enjoying not receiving multiple calls a day from her saying, "Come home Daddy, I need you!" Somehow I think those were bittersweet messages during his busy season.

All in all, God has been good to us. I can't tell you how many ways He continues to speak to us and reveal Himself to us. He's an amazing God! I really don't know how anyone survives without knowing Him. I pray that we will always hold dear to the lessons He's so graciously taught us and pray that we will be able to use our trials for His glory. I've experienced hardship in my life, but never like the loss of our little man. It's given me a new understanding of the pain and suffering that is always around us and we don't even know.

Sometimes, when I'm treated rudely at a check-out counter I want to yell, "Hey, don't you know I just lost my son? Can't you spare just an ounce of courtesy?" And then I realize how many times in life I've been the rudy-pants. Pain is all around us; I just pray that our recent loss will allow us to be the glimmer of hope someone else needs in their day. Scripture tells us that we are to be the healing agent in this lost and dying world. May it be so, oh Lord!

Growing

I've posted some new pictures for you to view at the end of this note. Hope you enjoy them.

Caroline is now a "big giwl" or so she thinks. To Mommy and Daddy she's still our little baby of course. Last week her cousins were here and she had a blast! She's becoming a little more daring in her play, jumping, bouncing, etc. from anything like couch to couch, off of steps, mercy! It scares me to death!

Last week she laid down in the floor and looked up to the ceiling and she said quietly, "I want my Hudson." Ugh! I thought my heart was going to fall out on the floor right there. Little does she know that is one of the cries from my heart several times a day. It's amazing to see how even this little 2 year old, though she was denied the opportunity to meet her brother in person, can truly love and miss him. I know it's spurred on by the many newborns who are overtaking our church nursery and Sunday School classes, but it's still an amazing thing to see such a love.

Art's busy season is about to wrap-up, hopefully within the next 24 hours, and Caroline has already declared that Daddy is going to take her golfing. Pappa and Grammy bought her some golf clubs (plastic preschool ones of course) and she's greatly anticipating the day Art takes her to the driving range by our house, "The Golf, Daddy's Golf" as she calls it.

As for me, I'm trying to learn to be content in whatever my circumstance. I still have tears and somedays I wonder how the Lord's gonna get me through this, but I know that He will. It's that knowledge and certainty that help me through it all. Now, if He'd only make these extra pounds disappear so that I would have one less thing to worry about that would be great! =)

Simple Life

I used to live by a clock, a schedule/daytimer/Outlook calender, a constant "I've got to perform" mentality for so long yet these days I'm finding it refreshing to be able to say, "Nope!" All the running, doing, going, where does it get us? Alone, too busy for the things that really matter.

Today, I had lots to do: clean the entire house because we had company last week and we have company coming again this week, plan a meal for dinner, keep Caroline occupied on this rainy day, and try to find some time to spend with my husband. Yet, what are the things I could have missed today in trying to get it all done: Caroline's smile of success when she used the "potty", the joy in her face when praised for using her "magical manners", her laugh as we made an egg carton school bus together, a sparkle in the most beautiful hazel eye of the most beautiful man in my life, the joy to realize that I had forgotten someone else was making me dinner tonight and that was one less thing I had to do and because of their surrender I could simply eat, fellowship and enjoy. The list could continue forever. And still, I wonder how many other things did I miss?

When I push myself, I push those around me. Most of the time, it's not a loving push but a push of obligation. But shouldn't my only obligation be to live to the glory of the Father? Rather than living on the edge of sanity/dispare I should be living in love. I've preached this for years, had it preached to me and yet it takes the loss of a child to teach me what I've known all along. If I did what the Bible talked about and lived as "one of the least of these" I would savor every moment trustin in a God who loves me. I always thought we become parents and then we teach our children how to live. But, these days I'm finding that Caroline has a whole lot to teach me. I think that's an intimate portion of God's plan we neglect to understand.

I want to live the simple life. I want to walk in a life of love and live in a world of transformation. I want others to know that they've been with Christ when they've been in my presence and yet I ask myself, do I really? That would mean that my life would actually change. Hmmm ... go figure. When I ask someone how they are doing, I should really mean it and want to know how they are really doing, even if the details are far more than I imagined. If I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I'm gonna. Wow! What a revelation!

Thank you, Lord, for the life and lives you have gifted me. May I live the simple Life! "Be My Magnificent Obsession!"