Today was Hudson's "due date". Though he was to be scheduled for c-section around the 10th of June, today was his actual due date. I've been caught off-guard at my display of emotion these past couple of days. I thought the hardest time would have been around the 10th so I sent out a "prayer email" to a group of ladies and my husband requesting them to uplift us during that time. What I neglected to do was to ask for prayer this week. Why? Because I so gratefully felt the prayers of my Spiritual sojourners the first part of this month I didn't take the time to Spiritually prepare for this weeks heartache.
Why is it that we know the time is coming yet we do nothing to prepare ourselves? I once had that question posed to me through a Bible Study and I remember vowing that from then on I would do my best to prepare. Yet, here I go again, blind-sided by what I should have been expecting. Sure, I have every right to be emotional and that's what happens with grief. But, I could and should have been prepared for it. Instead, I was worn-out by my recent travels and responsibilities and when I awakened yesterday with a heart filled with grief I was so taken back that I spent a good part of my day trying to figure out how I could have "forgotten" that day was coming.
Well, today is a new day! I love my son and his memory and I want to share with you the most treasured memory I have of him . . . he looked just like his father! My handsome, beautiful husband's image was recreated in this little life I had the privilege to carry for 21 weeks. Sure, he was his own unique little self, but there is no question who his daddy is because he looked so much like him.
Does that ring a bell? That's each of our stories! We are all created in the image of our Heavenly Father. And yet, we have individual characteristics that differentiate each of us from the other. On this June 24, 2008 I pose to you the question, are you making a positive Spiritual impact on those around you? Because what they see in and through you is their 1st hand look at our Father. May our lives reflect Him in a manner for which he is worthy.
Today is a new day. I will remember to prepare my life each day for those unexpected (which should be expected) times in which I truly need to reflect Him and reflect on Him.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Memories
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Tonight is Caroline's first sleep-over away from home. I'm a nervous wreck! Even though she is with some wonderful christian people I can not stop worrying about her. And ya know, I think the evil in this world could completely overwhelm me if I let it; I just can't bear the thought of losing another child. Still, I force myself to step way out of my comfort zone and entrust this precious gift to others - I mean come on, nobody can take care of you better than Daddy and Mommy. And yet, I continuously must remind myself that she's not ours. She belongs to the Lord and He is the only one who can truly care for her the way she should be cared for. Anyway, the memories . . .
Her 1st sleep-over has brought back a flood of memories. I was always one of those kids who only had 1 best friend. I had a lot of friends, but I always had 1 special "best" friend. Seriously, we joke about how I lived with my best friends. From the time I was in 6th grade my best friend and I spent all but maybe 1 night a week at each other's house. Then we'd move and I'd make another best friend. I think of all the things we did that would absolutely horrify any parent to no end, not realizing at the time how dangerous they were or how they would impact who we would become. But to this day, I will never forget Angela, Kim or Cati (2 of which I am still in contact).
I guess nothing has really changed in that regard. I still have only 1 best friend, my hubby. Frankly, I wouldn't trade that for the world. And, when I think about it, how weird is this, I think I actually have another best friend who is 2.5 years old. I know, "we're supposed to parent them not be their friend." But, I spend almost every waking minute with a toddler and love it! I learn more from her both directly and indirectly each day than I ever learned in school. I can't stand to think about that day when she looks at me and says, "Mom, please don't walk with me, you're so embarrassing." Who knows, maybe that won't happen. It didn't with me and my parents. I can't even remember a time I didn't want them around. Even today I love having them in town or in the midst of life's activities.
And, if you know me at all you know that all of this reflection can not take place without me drawing a Spiritual parallel. This week is the week we would have been scheduled for to have Hudson via C-Section. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion worrying more about how I would react than really dealing with the grief. So, I sent out an email to a group of ladies and my best man who I consider to be my prayer warriors. And you know what? Our prayers were answered. I've been so busy with VBS, my sister being in town with her kids, etc. that I really only became emotional when people would contact me to let me know they were praying. And, that emotion was of joy and gratitude for their prayers were being answered not an overwhelming release of agony or grief. That I of all people have become the embodiment of God's answer to their prayers. What a humbling experience! The crazy thing, at other points in my life I would have never sent out the request. But the above scripture has rung so true to me during this time that I couldn't keep myself from running to my sisters and brother. He has given us partners on this temporal journey who speak to God and He hears their prayer. So why would I ever be ashamed to ask for someone's prayer? Not reaching out and acknowledging my weakness would be idolatry. I don't know about you, but I don't have all the answers or even the strength to make it through 1 day let alone think I could go this journey alone.
As for my 2 best buddies, they are precious gifts and do not belong to me. So, Lord, help me to give them to you each moment of the day and use me to your glory! As for the scripture listed above, I think the Lord is sending me a "see I told ya so" as it's the text for our Sunday School lesson this Sunday. Isn't God funny?
Tonight is Caroline's first sleep-over away from home. I'm a nervous wreck! Even though she is with some wonderful christian people I can not stop worrying about her. And ya know, I think the evil in this world could completely overwhelm me if I let it; I just can't bear the thought of losing another child. Still, I force myself to step way out of my comfort zone and entrust this precious gift to others - I mean come on, nobody can take care of you better than Daddy and Mommy. And yet, I continuously must remind myself that she's not ours. She belongs to the Lord and He is the only one who can truly care for her the way she should be cared for. Anyway, the memories . . .
Her 1st sleep-over has brought back a flood of memories. I was always one of those kids who only had 1 best friend. I had a lot of friends, but I always had 1 special "best" friend. Seriously, we joke about how I lived with my best friends. From the time I was in 6th grade my best friend and I spent all but maybe 1 night a week at each other's house. Then we'd move and I'd make another best friend. I think of all the things we did that would absolutely horrify any parent to no end, not realizing at the time how dangerous they were or how they would impact who we would become. But to this day, I will never forget Angela, Kim or Cati (2 of which I am still in contact).
I guess nothing has really changed in that regard. I still have only 1 best friend, my hubby. Frankly, I wouldn't trade that for the world. And, when I think about it, how weird is this, I think I actually have another best friend who is 2.5 years old. I know, "we're supposed to parent them not be their friend." But, I spend almost every waking minute with a toddler and love it! I learn more from her both directly and indirectly each day than I ever learned in school. I can't stand to think about that day when she looks at me and says, "Mom, please don't walk with me, you're so embarrassing." Who knows, maybe that won't happen. It didn't with me and my parents. I can't even remember a time I didn't want them around. Even today I love having them in town or in the midst of life's activities.
And, if you know me at all you know that all of this reflection can not take place without me drawing a Spiritual parallel. This week is the week we would have been scheduled for to have Hudson via C-Section. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion worrying more about how I would react than really dealing with the grief. So, I sent out an email to a group of ladies and my best man who I consider to be my prayer warriors. And you know what? Our prayers were answered. I've been so busy with VBS, my sister being in town with her kids, etc. that I really only became emotional when people would contact me to let me know they were praying. And, that emotion was of joy and gratitude for their prayers were being answered not an overwhelming release of agony or grief. That I of all people have become the embodiment of God's answer to their prayers. What a humbling experience! The crazy thing, at other points in my life I would have never sent out the request. But the above scripture has rung so true to me during this time that I couldn't keep myself from running to my sisters and brother. He has given us partners on this temporal journey who speak to God and He hears their prayer. So why would I ever be ashamed to ask for someone's prayer? Not reaching out and acknowledging my weakness would be idolatry. I don't know about you, but I don't have all the answers or even the strength to make it through 1 day let alone think I could go this journey alone.
As for my 2 best buddies, they are precious gifts and do not belong to me. So, Lord, help me to give them to you each moment of the day and use me to your glory! As for the scripture listed above, I think the Lord is sending me a "see I told ya so" as it's the text for our Sunday School lesson this Sunday. Isn't God funny?
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