Keeping busy these days for sure, but Hudson is always in our forethought. And, how could he not be when everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn. Saturday was the first day Art's had off since the week we had Hudson and it began very emotionally and ended very emotionally. While I hate my sis and family moved 2 time zones away, I was very grateful they were 2 hours behind us Saturday night. While the rest of my world slept, I was able to ball to my mom and sis. Some days are just like that. Nothing provokes it, you just wake up crying. Amazing how God created our bodies so specifically, even our tears bring peace.
Caroline has been such a joy this week. She's growing so fast! We joined the YMCA and she loves it. We've been swimming 2 or 3 times a week in the indoor pool and unlike the church nursery, most of the time we get there and she just walks right into the playroom like "Hello, I'm here, pay me attention." The playroom workers today said, "Is this your drama-queen?" I started laughing because I have to look at Art several times a week in response to something she's doing and say, "Drama, drama, drama!"
Our newest adventure has been Caroline verbally embarrassing me in public. Yes, Mom, I know that this is just payback for all the times I embarrassed you. But, if she points at someone and tells them they're "BIG" one more time or has to discuss body parts in front of others again, my face might just stay permanently red! =) What do you do?
Art has been enjoying his new found "free time" though tend to keep filling it up, and Doodlebug and I are enjoying having him around more. She now only says, "I need my daddy!" once or twice a week as opposed to several times a day. And, I'm sure he's enjoying not receiving multiple calls a day from her saying, "Come home Daddy, I need you!" Somehow I think those were bittersweet messages during his busy season.
All in all, God has been good to us. I can't tell you how many ways He continues to speak to us and reveal Himself to us. He's an amazing God! I really don't know how anyone survives without knowing Him. I pray that we will always hold dear to the lessons He's so graciously taught us and pray that we will be able to use our trials for His glory. I've experienced hardship in my life, but never like the loss of our little man. It's given me a new understanding of the pain and suffering that is always around us and we don't even know.
Sometimes, when I'm treated rudely at a check-out counter I want to yell, "Hey, don't you know I just lost my son? Can't you spare just an ounce of courtesy?" And then I realize how many times in life I've been the rudy-pants. Pain is all around us; I just pray that our recent loss will allow us to be the glimmer of hope someone else needs in their day. Scripture tells us that we are to be the healing agent in this lost and dying world. May it be so, oh Lord!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Growing
I've posted some new pictures for you to view at the end of this note. Hope you enjoy them.
Caroline is now a "big giwl" or so she thinks. To Mommy and Daddy she's still our little baby of course. Last week her cousins were here and she had a blast! She's becoming a little more daring in her play, jumping, bouncing, etc. from anything like couch to couch, off of steps, mercy! It scares me to death!
Last week she laid down in the floor and looked up to the ceiling and she said quietly, "I want my Hudson." Ugh! I thought my heart was going to fall out on the floor right there. Little does she know that is one of the cries from my heart several times a day. It's amazing to see how even this little 2 year old, though she was denied the opportunity to meet her brother in person, can truly love and miss him. I know it's spurred on by the many newborns who are overtaking our church nursery and Sunday School classes, but it's still an amazing thing to see such a love.
Art's busy season is about to wrap-up, hopefully within the next 24 hours, and Caroline has already declared that Daddy is going to take her golfing. Pappa and Grammy bought her some golf clubs (plastic preschool ones of course) and she's greatly anticipating the day Art takes her to the driving range by our house, "The Golf, Daddy's Golf" as she calls it.
As for me, I'm trying to learn to be content in whatever my circumstance. I still have tears and somedays I wonder how the Lord's gonna get me through this, but I know that He will. It's that knowledge and certainty that help me through it all. Now, if He'd only make these extra pounds disappear so that I would have one less thing to worry about that would be great! =)
Caroline is now a "big giwl" or so she thinks. To Mommy and Daddy she's still our little baby of course. Last week her cousins were here and she had a blast! She's becoming a little more daring in her play, jumping, bouncing, etc. from anything like couch to couch, off of steps, mercy! It scares me to death!
Last week she laid down in the floor and looked up to the ceiling and she said quietly, "I want my Hudson." Ugh! I thought my heart was going to fall out on the floor right there. Little does she know that is one of the cries from my heart several times a day. It's amazing to see how even this little 2 year old, though she was denied the opportunity to meet her brother in person, can truly love and miss him. I know it's spurred on by the many newborns who are overtaking our church nursery and Sunday School classes, but it's still an amazing thing to see such a love.
Art's busy season is about to wrap-up, hopefully within the next 24 hours, and Caroline has already declared that Daddy is going to take her golfing. Pappa and Grammy bought her some golf clubs (plastic preschool ones of course) and she's greatly anticipating the day Art takes her to the driving range by our house, "The Golf, Daddy's Golf" as she calls it.
As for me, I'm trying to learn to be content in whatever my circumstance. I still have tears and somedays I wonder how the Lord's gonna get me through this, but I know that He will. It's that knowledge and certainty that help me through it all. Now, if He'd only make these extra pounds disappear so that I would have one less thing to worry about that would be great! =)
Friday, April 4, 2008
Simple Life
I used to live by a clock, a schedule/daytimer/Outlook calender, a constant "I've got to perform" mentality for so long yet these days I'm finding it refreshing to be able to say, "Nope!" All the running, doing, going, where does it get us? Alone, too busy for the things that really matter.
Today, I had lots to do: clean the entire house because we had company last week and we have company coming again this week, plan a meal for dinner, keep Caroline occupied on this rainy day, and try to find some time to spend with my husband. Yet, what are the things I could have missed today in trying to get it all done: Caroline's smile of success when she used the "potty", the joy in her face when praised for using her "magical manners", her laugh as we made an egg carton school bus together, a sparkle in the most beautiful hazel eye of the most beautiful man in my life, the joy to realize that I had forgotten someone else was making me dinner tonight and that was one less thing I had to do and because of their surrender I could simply eat, fellowship and enjoy. The list could continue forever. And still, I wonder how many other things did I miss?
When I push myself, I push those around me. Most of the time, it's not a loving push but a push of obligation. But shouldn't my only obligation be to live to the glory of the Father? Rather than living on the edge of sanity/dispare I should be living in love. I've preached this for years, had it preached to me and yet it takes the loss of a child to teach me what I've known all along. If I did what the Bible talked about and lived as "one of the least of these" I would savor every moment trustin in a God who loves me. I always thought we become parents and then we teach our children how to live. But, these days I'm finding that Caroline has a whole lot to teach me. I think that's an intimate portion of God's plan we neglect to understand.
I want to live the simple life. I want to walk in a life of love and live in a world of transformation. I want others to know that they've been with Christ when they've been in my presence and yet I ask myself, do I really? That would mean that my life would actually change. Hmmm ... go figure. When I ask someone how they are doing, I should really mean it and want to know how they are really doing, even if the details are far more than I imagined. If I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I'm gonna. Wow! What a revelation!
Thank you, Lord, for the life and lives you have gifted me. May I live the simple Life! "Be My Magnificent Obsession!"
Today, I had lots to do: clean the entire house because we had company last week and we have company coming again this week, plan a meal for dinner, keep Caroline occupied on this rainy day, and try to find some time to spend with my husband. Yet, what are the things I could have missed today in trying to get it all done: Caroline's smile of success when she used the "potty", the joy in her face when praised for using her "magical manners", her laugh as we made an egg carton school bus together, a sparkle in the most beautiful hazel eye of the most beautiful man in my life, the joy to realize that I had forgotten someone else was making me dinner tonight and that was one less thing I had to do and because of their surrender I could simply eat, fellowship and enjoy. The list could continue forever. And still, I wonder how many other things did I miss?
When I push myself, I push those around me. Most of the time, it's not a loving push but a push of obligation. But shouldn't my only obligation be to live to the glory of the Father? Rather than living on the edge of sanity/dispare I should be living in love. I've preached this for years, had it preached to me and yet it takes the loss of a child to teach me what I've known all along. If I did what the Bible talked about and lived as "one of the least of these" I would savor every moment trustin in a God who loves me. I always thought we become parents and then we teach our children how to live. But, these days I'm finding that Caroline has a whole lot to teach me. I think that's an intimate portion of God's plan we neglect to understand.
I want to live the simple life. I want to walk in a life of love and live in a world of transformation. I want others to know that they've been with Christ when they've been in my presence and yet I ask myself, do I really? That would mean that my life would actually change. Hmmm ... go figure. When I ask someone how they are doing, I should really mean it and want to know how they are really doing, even if the details are far more than I imagined. If I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I'm gonna. Wow! What a revelation!
Thank you, Lord, for the life and lives you have gifted me. May I live the simple Life! "Be My Magnificent Obsession!"
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Revelation
Over the course of the past few weeks I've come to know one very important thing: I am nothing without Christ! There are days when waking up is a tremendous challenge, but Caroline makes sure that I do because who else is going to fix her "chocak mulk". We continue to press on through it all knowing that there is a greater purpose for all this, one we don't understand but know exists.
On Palm Sunday, Art and I sang a duet ("Man After Your Own Heart"). The lyrics to my portion said, "I am driven by rivers of pride. You are my rescue, maker and keeper of all that I am all I believe in. You lead me Lord by the still waters. You speak to me with the words of a father, for I'm your own prodigal child. I know you're here with arms open wide. Just as a dear runs to water so does my soul to you Father. And Oh my God, though I have wondered you make it clear you'll always be here. When I draw near to seek after your own heart."
Well, guess what I learned. I AM DRIVEN BY RIVERS OF PRIDE. More like rivers of rights. I've lived the prodigal life and He rescued me. I've lived the legalistic shallow life and He rescued me. I've lived the lonliness and the pain of life and He keeps me. But why now, why us, why our Hudson? And then I remember, all that He suffered(s) for us and I am humbled at my pride. To think that I deserve anything shy of Hell is crazy. I am only because He lives. And yet, the hurt and the anquish sometimes overwhelms me. But, He Himself grieved the loss of His loved ones while on earth. And, we gave Hudson right back to Him the moment He gifted us with the knowledge of being pregnant. So what better place for him to be than with Jesus?
There are no words to describe the hurt, confusion and frustration but I am grateful nevertheless that I had 21 weeks with a precious life that will always be. All the more we patiently anticipate the return of our Lord! And, when I seek Him, He is found. Imagine that! Boy, I think I read that somewhere. Maybe the prophet Jeremiah did know a little something.
In any case, Art and I are experiencing an "awakening" of life in our marriage. Ok, maybe it's just me, but it's wonderful. We've had a few tense moments throughout these past few months and yet I continue to fall more deeply in love with him through each passing day. I pray that we live this way the rest of our lives. I don't want us to have to endure the hard times to bring us closer together, but to live so in tuned to our Lord that each moment of each day draws us closer to Him and in turn to each other. He's about to wrap-up his busy season and I can't wait (like I'm the one dragging my tail to work everyday :) It's so hard to see him lose sleep and work like a dog, not to mention the mental stress. But even in these days, he finds time to come home for a late dinner and "night night" ritual with Caroline.
Each night we eat, play, do the "get ready for bed" routine and then bow at Caroline's "big girl bed" for prayer and scripture recital. Who would have thought that the scriptures she is memorizing would become my daily gasps of breath: "I will praise you oh Lord with all of my heart. I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you. I will sing praise to your name, Oh Most High!" Psalm 9:1-2 "I can lye down and go to sleep and I will wake up again for the Lord protects me." Psalm 4:8 "God will send His angels to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. And now we're teaching her, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world. But that through him the world might be saved." John 3:17 And, her recitation of the Lord's prayer is enough to throw me to my knees and beg the Lord to forgive my selfishness and teach me the faith of this little life!
So, why now? Why us? Why Hudson? The answer: because! Because what, I don't know. Yet I know that even though I'm crying out in continual agony inside, the Lord is meeting me there in that dark, sad, desparate place and bringing glory to His name. I don't know how. I don't care why. As long as He can carry me, I will live to His glory. May it be so this moment Lord!
On Palm Sunday, Art and I sang a duet ("Man After Your Own Heart"). The lyrics to my portion said, "I am driven by rivers of pride. You are my rescue, maker and keeper of all that I am all I believe in. You lead me Lord by the still waters. You speak to me with the words of a father, for I'm your own prodigal child. I know you're here with arms open wide. Just as a dear runs to water so does my soul to you Father. And Oh my God, though I have wondered you make it clear you'll always be here. When I draw near to seek after your own heart."
Well, guess what I learned. I AM DRIVEN BY RIVERS OF PRIDE. More like rivers of rights. I've lived the prodigal life and He rescued me. I've lived the legalistic shallow life and He rescued me. I've lived the lonliness and the pain of life and He keeps me. But why now, why us, why our Hudson? And then I remember, all that He suffered(s) for us and I am humbled at my pride. To think that I deserve anything shy of Hell is crazy. I am only because He lives. And yet, the hurt and the anquish sometimes overwhelms me. But, He Himself grieved the loss of His loved ones while on earth. And, we gave Hudson right back to Him the moment He gifted us with the knowledge of being pregnant. So what better place for him to be than with Jesus?
There are no words to describe the hurt, confusion and frustration but I am grateful nevertheless that I had 21 weeks with a precious life that will always be. All the more we patiently anticipate the return of our Lord! And, when I seek Him, He is found. Imagine that! Boy, I think I read that somewhere. Maybe the prophet Jeremiah did know a little something.
In any case, Art and I are experiencing an "awakening" of life in our marriage. Ok, maybe it's just me, but it's wonderful. We've had a few tense moments throughout these past few months and yet I continue to fall more deeply in love with him through each passing day. I pray that we live this way the rest of our lives. I don't want us to have to endure the hard times to bring us closer together, but to live so in tuned to our Lord that each moment of each day draws us closer to Him and in turn to each other. He's about to wrap-up his busy season and I can't wait (like I'm the one dragging my tail to work everyday :) It's so hard to see him lose sleep and work like a dog, not to mention the mental stress. But even in these days, he finds time to come home for a late dinner and "night night" ritual with Caroline.
Each night we eat, play, do the "get ready for bed" routine and then bow at Caroline's "big girl bed" for prayer and scripture recital. Who would have thought that the scriptures she is memorizing would become my daily gasps of breath: "I will praise you oh Lord with all of my heart. I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you. I will sing praise to your name, Oh Most High!" Psalm 9:1-2 "I can lye down and go to sleep and I will wake up again for the Lord protects me." Psalm 4:8 "God will send His angels to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. And now we're teaching her, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world. But that through him the world might be saved." John 3:17 And, her recitation of the Lord's prayer is enough to throw me to my knees and beg the Lord to forgive my selfishness and teach me the faith of this little life!
So, why now? Why us? Why Hudson? The answer: because! Because what, I don't know. Yet I know that even though I'm crying out in continual agony inside, the Lord is meeting me there in that dark, sad, desparate place and bringing glory to His name. I don't know how. I don't care why. As long as He can carry me, I will live to His glory. May it be so this moment Lord!
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