WOW! We can't believe our little one is 3. She is growing so fast and if she doesn't slow down she'll be 16 tomorrow! Help us Lord =)
Caroline celebrated her Mickey Mouse themed birthday with her 6 cousins and aunt and uncle in Scottsdale last week. She absolutely had a ball. Art and I relaxed enjoying some leisure time and catching up with our family. So nice to have times like these. Then we came home and Caroline celebrated her actual birth date with her Papa and Grammy and Daddy and Mommy over some lasagna and a chocolate Dora cake. She has so many new toys to play with we might just keep all of her Christmas presents and save them for late Spring (though I don't think she'd be very excited about that).
All the Christmas decorations are up and we've had so much fun enjoying the season thus far, but there is a keen sense of absence that our Hudson is not with us. His little booties hang from the mantle as a reminder to celebrate his precious life and the Life we've received through the promise of our Lord's coming again. I want to make this Christmas so special for Caroline so that she'll truly understand what a wonderful gift we've been given through our Lord's life, death and resurrection; that we have such a wonderful gift still ahead to celebrate when He returns to take us home, all of us together as one big family.
Our hope and prayer is that we do not miss this season of Hope. That we accept every moment as another visitation of His Spirit and that we share it with everyone we come into contact with. He is doing some mighty things in our life and in our faith right now. I can't wait to share them with you as they unfold. For now I'll simply say, "Stop whatever you are doing and take the time to enjoy this moment!" Each moment renders the opportunity for life anew and we do not want to miss it!
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Fall and Fun
We've had such a great time these last few weeks enjoying the return of Autumn. Caroline is discovering the beauty of the earth as we watch the leaves turning colors and the gorgeos sky that God has painted for us. We've taken trips to see family and spent time with friends and done a little work here and there.
Caroline is thoroughly enjoying her "big girl room" as we've moved all her toys into her room and the bonus room. She disappears from time to time and I can hear her through the monitor talking to her dolls and stuffed animals. It really is amazing to listen to her conversations with them. Sometimes it is embarrassing because I hear myself coming out of her mouth and other times it is just down right hysterical. She is such a sweet natured child that disciplining her is becoming harder and harder. For example: a couple of days ago I heard her playing with her portable DVD player and told her to leave it alone because she was being to rough and it was going to break. And of course that's what happened. She broke the lid off at the hinges. While it still works with some fenagling, I had to address the fact that she disobeyed. I said, "Caroline, I told you to leave it alone and you disobeyed me." She replied as loud and dramatic as she could, "Yes! You did and I disobeyed and broke it. I did. I disobeyed and now it is broked and we can't use it. I sorry, Mommy, I'm not supposed to disobey. That's bad, I know! I sorry." Let me just tell you I almost fell out on the floor laughing. Her discipline? I took it away to save it for car trips. Today she spent about 15 minutes walking through the house trying to find it, "Is my DVD in here, Mommy?"
Art and I are celebrating some new found freedoms and I'm enjoying the fact that his birthday is this weekend. Anyone who knows me knows that I love special days. I got him a very special gift which took me a couple of weeks to work out, but he's loving it and I'm thankful. God has been so good to us and we know now more than ever that everything we have and are is only because of Him. We pray that we will be good stewards of His gifts.
Remember, no matter who is elected president next month God is still Lord of all!
Caroline is thoroughly enjoying her "big girl room" as we've moved all her toys into her room and the bonus room. She disappears from time to time and I can hear her through the monitor talking to her dolls and stuffed animals. It really is amazing to listen to her conversations with them. Sometimes it is embarrassing because I hear myself coming out of her mouth and other times it is just down right hysterical. She is such a sweet natured child that disciplining her is becoming harder and harder. For example: a couple of days ago I heard her playing with her portable DVD player and told her to leave it alone because she was being to rough and it was going to break. And of course that's what happened. She broke the lid off at the hinges. While it still works with some fenagling, I had to address the fact that she disobeyed. I said, "Caroline, I told you to leave it alone and you disobeyed me." She replied as loud and dramatic as she could, "Yes! You did and I disobeyed and broke it. I did. I disobeyed and now it is broked and we can't use it. I sorry, Mommy, I'm not supposed to disobey. That's bad, I know! I sorry." Let me just tell you I almost fell out on the floor laughing. Her discipline? I took it away to save it for car trips. Today she spent about 15 minutes walking through the house trying to find it, "Is my DVD in here, Mommy?"
Art and I are celebrating some new found freedoms and I'm enjoying the fact that his birthday is this weekend. Anyone who knows me knows that I love special days. I got him a very special gift which took me a couple of weeks to work out, but he's loving it and I'm thankful. God has been so good to us and we know now more than ever that everything we have and are is only because of Him. We pray that we will be good stewards of His gifts.
Remember, no matter who is elected president next month God is still Lord of all!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A Day In the Life
So I'm learning that there's more to this grief thing than we really give credit until we're actually in the midst of it. Just about the time I think I'm "managing" I get knocked off my feet by a wave of emotion that I didn't see coming.
We've had a lot of time to ourselves these past couple weeks, Mom and Dad had Caroline for 5 days and then she was home for 2 days before they kept her over the Labor Day weekend for us while Art and I headed to Cinci for a ball tournament. During this "great couple time" I felt like I just wasn't all there. Like I couldn't really even carry on a conversation with my husband let alone anyone else. Sure, I forced myself into the social world as I often must do when all the while what I really want to do is go to bed and stay there until, well who knows when that until is, but I noticed a very strange phenomenon that has occurred: my responsibility and joy in being a wife and mom is what really keeps me going most days. I've realized that if I didn't have Caroline here everyday I'd probably just laze around until 30 minutes before Art comes home from work so that I could quickly shower, throw on some clothes and make-up. It's like I have only 2 things to look forward to in my day (Art and Caroline) and when one of them is missing, it's as if a piece of me is missing.
Well, we attended a wedding last night that was absolutely adorable and I am so glad we were there. But, it made me realize that all the things I've studied are true: big festive events tend to bring out those unexpected emotions tangled up in our grief. And, the 2 trigger points of the evening were Art telling me of a little boy he was speaking with on the elevator in Cinci only to find out that his name was Hudson and then us having a conversation with a couple of people at the reception when a beautiful little boy with blond hair walked up being "all boy" and his dad saying, "Be careful, Hudson!" I swear my heart about leaped out of my chest and the fact that I could just stand there and ask, "What is his name?" and then smile at how cute he was without bursting into tears and running away is still a miracle to me.
It came to me tonight in the wee hours of the morning that I've been feeling like I'm swimming. Above the water line is the normal person's life and below the water line is a pool of depression that is constantly pulling and tugging at me. I've been treading water for 7 months now and I tell you at times I think only my nose is staying above that water line. At any moment a slight ripple in the water could take me under so fast . . . Yet, it's that constant, pursuing, wooing, gracious love of my Father that continues to breathe life back into my nostrils. Without Him I know I'd be sinking, and truth be told sometimes I just wish he'd let me. But, He reminds me daily that He is alive and well and working in, around and with me. He's allowed me to have a wonderful husband and daughter to give me something to look forward to each day and as we so constantly see these days He's given us a world of beauty around us to show us His love each moment.
So, for today, one of those heavy, emotional todays where I just can't figure out why I'm so cranky or why I have no energy or why I'm just kind of "mad at the world" I thank Him for reminding me even in the wee hours of the morning He can help me to understand me a little more. He can teach me just how intricately He's made each of us. And, He reminds me that our Hudson is with Him and one day we'll see him as he stands with our Father who will say "well done" and we can all rejoice together. Oh what a day that will be! I pray Caroline will grow up knowing that's our promise!
We've had a lot of time to ourselves these past couple weeks, Mom and Dad had Caroline for 5 days and then she was home for 2 days before they kept her over the Labor Day weekend for us while Art and I headed to Cinci for a ball tournament. During this "great couple time" I felt like I just wasn't all there. Like I couldn't really even carry on a conversation with my husband let alone anyone else. Sure, I forced myself into the social world as I often must do when all the while what I really want to do is go to bed and stay there until, well who knows when that until is, but I noticed a very strange phenomenon that has occurred: my responsibility and joy in being a wife and mom is what really keeps me going most days. I've realized that if I didn't have Caroline here everyday I'd probably just laze around until 30 minutes before Art comes home from work so that I could quickly shower, throw on some clothes and make-up. It's like I have only 2 things to look forward to in my day (Art and Caroline) and when one of them is missing, it's as if a piece of me is missing.
Well, we attended a wedding last night that was absolutely adorable and I am so glad we were there. But, it made me realize that all the things I've studied are true: big festive events tend to bring out those unexpected emotions tangled up in our grief. And, the 2 trigger points of the evening were Art telling me of a little boy he was speaking with on the elevator in Cinci only to find out that his name was Hudson and then us having a conversation with a couple of people at the reception when a beautiful little boy with blond hair walked up being "all boy" and his dad saying, "Be careful, Hudson!" I swear my heart about leaped out of my chest and the fact that I could just stand there and ask, "What is his name?" and then smile at how cute he was without bursting into tears and running away is still a miracle to me.
It came to me tonight in the wee hours of the morning that I've been feeling like I'm swimming. Above the water line is the normal person's life and below the water line is a pool of depression that is constantly pulling and tugging at me. I've been treading water for 7 months now and I tell you at times I think only my nose is staying above that water line. At any moment a slight ripple in the water could take me under so fast . . . Yet, it's that constant, pursuing, wooing, gracious love of my Father that continues to breathe life back into my nostrils. Without Him I know I'd be sinking, and truth be told sometimes I just wish he'd let me. But, He reminds me daily that He is alive and well and working in, around and with me. He's allowed me to have a wonderful husband and daughter to give me something to look forward to each day and as we so constantly see these days He's given us a world of beauty around us to show us His love each moment.
So, for today, one of those heavy, emotional todays where I just can't figure out why I'm so cranky or why I have no energy or why I'm just kind of "mad at the world" I thank Him for reminding me even in the wee hours of the morning He can help me to understand me a little more. He can teach me just how intricately He's made each of us. And, He reminds me that our Hudson is with Him and one day we'll see him as he stands with our Father who will say "well done" and we can all rejoice together. Oh what a day that will be! I pray Caroline will grow up knowing that's our promise!
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Speechless Child
Most recently the Lord has been dealing with me regarding some "unpleasantries" from my past. Things from childhood that I thought I had long since outgrown, which I'm beginning to see I really just tried to outrun. Things that have shaped me into who I am today, both good and bad. I had an adolescent dream to become a Christian Child Psychologist knowing inside it was just because I knew first hand that there are experiences we have that we can't sometimes put into words; things we can't deal with on our own and can't truly express. Obviously, as I've aged I've come to know just how true that is and I've also come to know that my "dream" I thought I had was really just a way for me to escape dealing with my own life experiences by becoming an advocate for the little ones who are so misunderstood.
Well, I'm 35 and not a psychologist. I'm beginning to view myself as a "lifeologist". What freedom I have found of late to be able to use my life experiences to glorify God. And, what a blessing to know that I'm still living a life of experience for which He is continually allowing me to share and witness. I have been given much. And as I've heard so many times, to whom much is given much is required. There is a responsibility that comes from experience that many tend to forget - SHARING IT! What I have gone through, what I am going through, what I will go through in life are all things that I need to allow the Lord to use to relate to my brothers, sisters, neighbors.
As a child, I could not utter even a word due to horror or timidity or mere lack of vocabulary. As an adult, I must realize that I'm not a speechless child, I am the daughter of the one who created speech. I'm not alone in this world, I was created for relationship both with my Creator and His creation. And, when all else fails (ha!) I can utter nothing in His face and He understands me perfectly! So for those of you out there who just need to lay it all out, but you don't know the words to say, "there is One who intercedes on your behalf with utterances too lofty for words."
Well, I'm 35 and not a psychologist. I'm beginning to view myself as a "lifeologist". What freedom I have found of late to be able to use my life experiences to glorify God. And, what a blessing to know that I'm still living a life of experience for which He is continually allowing me to share and witness. I have been given much. And as I've heard so many times, to whom much is given much is required. There is a responsibility that comes from experience that many tend to forget - SHARING IT! What I have gone through, what I am going through, what I will go through in life are all things that I need to allow the Lord to use to relate to my brothers, sisters, neighbors.
As a child, I could not utter even a word due to horror or timidity or mere lack of vocabulary. As an adult, I must realize that I'm not a speechless child, I am the daughter of the one who created speech. I'm not alone in this world, I was created for relationship both with my Creator and His creation. And, when all else fails (ha!) I can utter nothing in His face and He understands me perfectly! So for those of you out there who just need to lay it all out, but you don't know the words to say, "there is One who intercedes on your behalf with utterances too lofty for words."
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Sky Painting
I've really been trying to make sure we incorporate God's love into the "everyday" things we take for granted. I want Caroline to see that He has displayed His love for us everywhere. And now, she's teaching me . . .
She woke up next to me the other morning (Art was out of town so I let her sleep with me) and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Mommy, God painted the sky so pretty!" I almost lost it! How precious that the first thing on my 2.5 year old's mind as she awakened to a new day was God's pretty display of love He painted in the sky. If we could only remember that every moment of every day. Too precious for words!
She woke up next to me the other morning (Art was out of town so I let her sleep with me) and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Mommy, God painted the sky so pretty!" I almost lost it! How precious that the first thing on my 2.5 year old's mind as she awakened to a new day was God's pretty display of love He painted in the sky. If we could only remember that every moment of every day. Too precious for words!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Vacation
We just returned from Cape San Blas, Florida and it was wonderful! We've not had a week long beach vacation for a couple of years and it was a very much needed gift. The time was spent doing absolutely nothing other than relaxing around the pool, on the beach, playing games, etc. We had no schedules, nothing to dress-up for, no stress . . . ahhh! Caroline became a little fish with froggy water-wings. She got to hold a crab, swim "by myself in the ocean" and she's still trying to figure out why we can't go potty anywhere but the toilet "or in the ocean" =) Oh, come on, you know you do it too =) I'll be adding some pix over the next couple of days below. Art got his usual over-fill of games and I had to remind myself that I wasn't the only cook in the house (I know, I'm weird that way, I just really enjoy preparing meals and "fixin'" in the kitchen). Anyway, when our last day arrived I could not believe that the time was gone. Usually, by the last day I'm weary and ready to be home, but not this time.
I had several encounters with the Lord during the week, some extremely convicting and some which haunted me for several hours or even a couple of days. His presence was so real to me in a strange new way. I didn't have to manufacture it or force myself into a mode to recognize his voice, he was just ever present. I'm sure the family at times thought I was either upset or out of it because I wasn't "with it" all the time if that makes any sense. Mentally, I was in another world.
Grace. It seemed to be the overall theme of my time with him. He's afforded so much grace to me and his word tells me that the grace I've been given I should extend. How do you extend grace when your entire world seems broken, or when you've been wronged, or how about when you just plain old don't feel like it? But, that's grace. It's not something earned. It's not something we deserve. Truthfully, it's not something we even have to accept. It's a gift given, period. When I least deserve it, there he is constantly extending his hand of mercy and grace. If I believe him and he truly lives within me and I am truly his, grace should just pour out of me. Yet, somewhere within me lies a selfish, right demanding person who shows her true colors far more than I'd like. And there it is, still, this grace.
The most fearful words I could write at this time are these: he's calling me to live a life of grace. Ouch! That means I have to forfeit "my rights," make room for those around me who don't do things the way I think they should or want them to, accept people for who they are - God's children. There's that old saying about "rose colored glasses," what if I skipped the glasses and viewed everyone I encounter through God's eyes. Hmmmmm . . .
What about the family at the pool who to be honest "grossed me out!" I watched and watched them trying to figure them out and all I kept seeing were people with bad hygiene, no manners, and broken spirits. It took me 2 days to offer a word of encouragement because I was too busy worrying about their exterior. Yet, something inside me was drawn to them. And, when I gave way to that pull all I could see was pain and heartache pouring out. The most amazing thing happened though. When I made a simple gesture of kindness, this saddened, hurting lady turned to me with a smile and offered us any pool toy she had for the kids. How crazy is that? Here I was dealing with the "yuck" factor and how to make sure all our toys made it back with us and didn't end up in their pile and here she was, hurting, obviously not well-off, offering us anything she had simply because I made a polite gesture which cost me nothing. So for MA and her family I am still praying that God would intervene on their lives in an extraordinary way and bring Spiritual healing and restoration to them, and to her specifically I will be ever grateful for she was God's life example of the lessons he was teaching me that week.
I had several encounters with the Lord during the week, some extremely convicting and some which haunted me for several hours or even a couple of days. His presence was so real to me in a strange new way. I didn't have to manufacture it or force myself into a mode to recognize his voice, he was just ever present. I'm sure the family at times thought I was either upset or out of it because I wasn't "with it" all the time if that makes any sense. Mentally, I was in another world.
Grace. It seemed to be the overall theme of my time with him. He's afforded so much grace to me and his word tells me that the grace I've been given I should extend. How do you extend grace when your entire world seems broken, or when you've been wronged, or how about when you just plain old don't feel like it? But, that's grace. It's not something earned. It's not something we deserve. Truthfully, it's not something we even have to accept. It's a gift given, period. When I least deserve it, there he is constantly extending his hand of mercy and grace. If I believe him and he truly lives within me and I am truly his, grace should just pour out of me. Yet, somewhere within me lies a selfish, right demanding person who shows her true colors far more than I'd like. And there it is, still, this grace.
The most fearful words I could write at this time are these: he's calling me to live a life of grace. Ouch! That means I have to forfeit "my rights," make room for those around me who don't do things the way I think they should or want them to, accept people for who they are - God's children. There's that old saying about "rose colored glasses," what if I skipped the glasses and viewed everyone I encounter through God's eyes. Hmmmmm . . .
What about the family at the pool who to be honest "grossed me out!" I watched and watched them trying to figure them out and all I kept seeing were people with bad hygiene, no manners, and broken spirits. It took me 2 days to offer a word of encouragement because I was too busy worrying about their exterior. Yet, something inside me was drawn to them. And, when I gave way to that pull all I could see was pain and heartache pouring out. The most amazing thing happened though. When I made a simple gesture of kindness, this saddened, hurting lady turned to me with a smile and offered us any pool toy she had for the kids. How crazy is that? Here I was dealing with the "yuck" factor and how to make sure all our toys made it back with us and didn't end up in their pile and here she was, hurting, obviously not well-off, offering us anything she had simply because I made a polite gesture which cost me nothing. So for MA and her family I am still praying that God would intervene on their lives in an extraordinary way and bring Spiritual healing and restoration to them, and to her specifically I will be ever grateful for she was God's life example of the lessons he was teaching me that week.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
A New Day
Today was Hudson's "due date". Though he was to be scheduled for c-section around the 10th of June, today was his actual due date. I've been caught off-guard at my display of emotion these past couple of days. I thought the hardest time would have been around the 10th so I sent out a "prayer email" to a group of ladies and my husband requesting them to uplift us during that time. What I neglected to do was to ask for prayer this week. Why? Because I so gratefully felt the prayers of my Spiritual sojourners the first part of this month I didn't take the time to Spiritually prepare for this weeks heartache.
Why is it that we know the time is coming yet we do nothing to prepare ourselves? I once had that question posed to me through a Bible Study and I remember vowing that from then on I would do my best to prepare. Yet, here I go again, blind-sided by what I should have been expecting. Sure, I have every right to be emotional and that's what happens with grief. But, I could and should have been prepared for it. Instead, I was worn-out by my recent travels and responsibilities and when I awakened yesterday with a heart filled with grief I was so taken back that I spent a good part of my day trying to figure out how I could have "forgotten" that day was coming.
Well, today is a new day! I love my son and his memory and I want to share with you the most treasured memory I have of him . . . he looked just like his father! My handsome, beautiful husband's image was recreated in this little life I had the privilege to carry for 21 weeks. Sure, he was his own unique little self, but there is no question who his daddy is because he looked so much like him.
Does that ring a bell? That's each of our stories! We are all created in the image of our Heavenly Father. And yet, we have individual characteristics that differentiate each of us from the other. On this June 24, 2008 I pose to you the question, are you making a positive Spiritual impact on those around you? Because what they see in and through you is their 1st hand look at our Father. May our lives reflect Him in a manner for which he is worthy.
Today is a new day. I will remember to prepare my life each day for those unexpected (which should be expected) times in which I truly need to reflect Him and reflect on Him.
Why is it that we know the time is coming yet we do nothing to prepare ourselves? I once had that question posed to me through a Bible Study and I remember vowing that from then on I would do my best to prepare. Yet, here I go again, blind-sided by what I should have been expecting. Sure, I have every right to be emotional and that's what happens with grief. But, I could and should have been prepared for it. Instead, I was worn-out by my recent travels and responsibilities and when I awakened yesterday with a heart filled with grief I was so taken back that I spent a good part of my day trying to figure out how I could have "forgotten" that day was coming.
Well, today is a new day! I love my son and his memory and I want to share with you the most treasured memory I have of him . . . he looked just like his father! My handsome, beautiful husband's image was recreated in this little life I had the privilege to carry for 21 weeks. Sure, he was his own unique little self, but there is no question who his daddy is because he looked so much like him.
Does that ring a bell? That's each of our stories! We are all created in the image of our Heavenly Father. And yet, we have individual characteristics that differentiate each of us from the other. On this June 24, 2008 I pose to you the question, are you making a positive Spiritual impact on those around you? Because what they see in and through you is their 1st hand look at our Father. May our lives reflect Him in a manner for which he is worthy.
Today is a new day. I will remember to prepare my life each day for those unexpected (which should be expected) times in which I truly need to reflect Him and reflect on Him.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Memories
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Tonight is Caroline's first sleep-over away from home. I'm a nervous wreck! Even though she is with some wonderful christian people I can not stop worrying about her. And ya know, I think the evil in this world could completely overwhelm me if I let it; I just can't bear the thought of losing another child. Still, I force myself to step way out of my comfort zone and entrust this precious gift to others - I mean come on, nobody can take care of you better than Daddy and Mommy. And yet, I continuously must remind myself that she's not ours. She belongs to the Lord and He is the only one who can truly care for her the way she should be cared for. Anyway, the memories . . .
Her 1st sleep-over has brought back a flood of memories. I was always one of those kids who only had 1 best friend. I had a lot of friends, but I always had 1 special "best" friend. Seriously, we joke about how I lived with my best friends. From the time I was in 6th grade my best friend and I spent all but maybe 1 night a week at each other's house. Then we'd move and I'd make another best friend. I think of all the things we did that would absolutely horrify any parent to no end, not realizing at the time how dangerous they were or how they would impact who we would become. But to this day, I will never forget Angela, Kim or Cati (2 of which I am still in contact).
I guess nothing has really changed in that regard. I still have only 1 best friend, my hubby. Frankly, I wouldn't trade that for the world. And, when I think about it, how weird is this, I think I actually have another best friend who is 2.5 years old. I know, "we're supposed to parent them not be their friend." But, I spend almost every waking minute with a toddler and love it! I learn more from her both directly and indirectly each day than I ever learned in school. I can't stand to think about that day when she looks at me and says, "Mom, please don't walk with me, you're so embarrassing." Who knows, maybe that won't happen. It didn't with me and my parents. I can't even remember a time I didn't want them around. Even today I love having them in town or in the midst of life's activities.
And, if you know me at all you know that all of this reflection can not take place without me drawing a Spiritual parallel. This week is the week we would have been scheduled for to have Hudson via C-Section. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion worrying more about how I would react than really dealing with the grief. So, I sent out an email to a group of ladies and my best man who I consider to be my prayer warriors. And you know what? Our prayers were answered. I've been so busy with VBS, my sister being in town with her kids, etc. that I really only became emotional when people would contact me to let me know they were praying. And, that emotion was of joy and gratitude for their prayers were being answered not an overwhelming release of agony or grief. That I of all people have become the embodiment of God's answer to their prayers. What a humbling experience! The crazy thing, at other points in my life I would have never sent out the request. But the above scripture has rung so true to me during this time that I couldn't keep myself from running to my sisters and brother. He has given us partners on this temporal journey who speak to God and He hears their prayer. So why would I ever be ashamed to ask for someone's prayer? Not reaching out and acknowledging my weakness would be idolatry. I don't know about you, but I don't have all the answers or even the strength to make it through 1 day let alone think I could go this journey alone.
As for my 2 best buddies, they are precious gifts and do not belong to me. So, Lord, help me to give them to you each moment of the day and use me to your glory! As for the scripture listed above, I think the Lord is sending me a "see I told ya so" as it's the text for our Sunday School lesson this Sunday. Isn't God funny?
Tonight is Caroline's first sleep-over away from home. I'm a nervous wreck! Even though she is with some wonderful christian people I can not stop worrying about her. And ya know, I think the evil in this world could completely overwhelm me if I let it; I just can't bear the thought of losing another child. Still, I force myself to step way out of my comfort zone and entrust this precious gift to others - I mean come on, nobody can take care of you better than Daddy and Mommy. And yet, I continuously must remind myself that she's not ours. She belongs to the Lord and He is the only one who can truly care for her the way she should be cared for. Anyway, the memories . . .
Her 1st sleep-over has brought back a flood of memories. I was always one of those kids who only had 1 best friend. I had a lot of friends, but I always had 1 special "best" friend. Seriously, we joke about how I lived with my best friends. From the time I was in 6th grade my best friend and I spent all but maybe 1 night a week at each other's house. Then we'd move and I'd make another best friend. I think of all the things we did that would absolutely horrify any parent to no end, not realizing at the time how dangerous they were or how they would impact who we would become. But to this day, I will never forget Angela, Kim or Cati (2 of which I am still in contact).
I guess nothing has really changed in that regard. I still have only 1 best friend, my hubby. Frankly, I wouldn't trade that for the world. And, when I think about it, how weird is this, I think I actually have another best friend who is 2.5 years old. I know, "we're supposed to parent them not be their friend." But, I spend almost every waking minute with a toddler and love it! I learn more from her both directly and indirectly each day than I ever learned in school. I can't stand to think about that day when she looks at me and says, "Mom, please don't walk with me, you're so embarrassing." Who knows, maybe that won't happen. It didn't with me and my parents. I can't even remember a time I didn't want them around. Even today I love having them in town or in the midst of life's activities.
And, if you know me at all you know that all of this reflection can not take place without me drawing a Spiritual parallel. This week is the week we would have been scheduled for to have Hudson via C-Section. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion worrying more about how I would react than really dealing with the grief. So, I sent out an email to a group of ladies and my best man who I consider to be my prayer warriors. And you know what? Our prayers were answered. I've been so busy with VBS, my sister being in town with her kids, etc. that I really only became emotional when people would contact me to let me know they were praying. And, that emotion was of joy and gratitude for their prayers were being answered not an overwhelming release of agony or grief. That I of all people have become the embodiment of God's answer to their prayers. What a humbling experience! The crazy thing, at other points in my life I would have never sent out the request. But the above scripture has rung so true to me during this time that I couldn't keep myself from running to my sisters and brother. He has given us partners on this temporal journey who speak to God and He hears their prayer. So why would I ever be ashamed to ask for someone's prayer? Not reaching out and acknowledging my weakness would be idolatry. I don't know about you, but I don't have all the answers or even the strength to make it through 1 day let alone think I could go this journey alone.
As for my 2 best buddies, they are precious gifts and do not belong to me. So, Lord, help me to give them to you each moment of the day and use me to your glory! As for the scripture listed above, I think the Lord is sending me a "see I told ya so" as it's the text for our Sunday School lesson this Sunday. Isn't God funny?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Life Goes On or Does It?
Some have said that after loss it takes time to get back to a normal life. Some have even said that life goes on but you never get over it. The "new" material talks about life taking on a "new kind of normal". So far, I don't get any of it. Yes, life goes on and you find that you can make it through a week or two without tears or that dull ache that eats away your heart only thrusts itself into your awareness a couple of times a week rather than every moment, but is that really life going on? Is it a new kind of normal we have to live with? Is that "getting over it"?
Many have commented that losing a child is the worst grief there is and yet I question that after this week. We lost a dear friend to suicide, not so much a friend as a mentor and brother in Christ, and it has rocked my world! I would give anything to have 5 minutes alone with him (I'm sure his family wishes the same), but the time has past and the moment slipped away and now we're left with questions. Losing Hudson has been the most horribly devistating hurt I could ever describe. And yet, there have been so many blessings through his loss. What kind of blessing can come through suicide? I'll tell you:
It's not life that goes on after loss; it's LIFE that goes on after loss. It's not a "new kind of normal" it's continuing in the LIFE that we've been given as our normal. When we live Life in the Spirit, our goal is eternity with Christ. Along the journey the Fall of this world presents many losses and/or disappointments, but it doesn't mean that our Life changes. John talks about us being the branches that are given life through the vine. The cool thing about branches are that the branches have branches. For me, I'm coming to realize that these times of loss/dismay are those pivotal moments in which we sprout another branch. My Life is in tact, I simply gain another branch of life to bear more fruit. The original branch continues to bear fruit while this new "shute" in the journey begins to bear fruit.
My grandmother used to stop on the side of the road when we'd travel and go tear a branch off of a pretty plant she wanted. She'd take it home and care for it until it became her own bush or tree full of life. I think we forget that when some branches of our life fall away, there is still the potential for Life if that branch is repotted or whatever it is that causes root to take hold (can you tell I do not have a green thumb) and taken care of by our Father. We talk so much about the branches being cut off to prune us for growth and while that is true, sometimes the branches are cut off by the world not by Christ. And for those, we need to gather them up, care for them and repot them in fertile soil.
For me, my branch is in the precious hands of our Lord; I don't have to worry about that. But for the lives of so many devistated through loss which seems to have no hope, I am assured now more than ever that the only place we can find strength is in the hope that our God is much bigger than we give Him credit and He's more loving and more merciful than we will ever imagine and He's got it under control. So, these days, I'm living LIFE not life because life is too hard and too sad and too empty. Living LIFE is amazingly peaceful even when the storms are all around.
Many have commented that losing a child is the worst grief there is and yet I question that after this week. We lost a dear friend to suicide, not so much a friend as a mentor and brother in Christ, and it has rocked my world! I would give anything to have 5 minutes alone with him (I'm sure his family wishes the same), but the time has past and the moment slipped away and now we're left with questions. Losing Hudson has been the most horribly devistating hurt I could ever describe. And yet, there have been so many blessings through his loss. What kind of blessing can come through suicide? I'll tell you:
It's not life that goes on after loss; it's LIFE that goes on after loss. It's not a "new kind of normal" it's continuing in the LIFE that we've been given as our normal. When we live Life in the Spirit, our goal is eternity with Christ. Along the journey the Fall of this world presents many losses and/or disappointments, but it doesn't mean that our Life changes. John talks about us being the branches that are given life through the vine. The cool thing about branches are that the branches have branches. For me, I'm coming to realize that these times of loss/dismay are those pivotal moments in which we sprout another branch. My Life is in tact, I simply gain another branch of life to bear more fruit. The original branch continues to bear fruit while this new "shute" in the journey begins to bear fruit.
My grandmother used to stop on the side of the road when we'd travel and go tear a branch off of a pretty plant she wanted. She'd take it home and care for it until it became her own bush or tree full of life. I think we forget that when some branches of our life fall away, there is still the potential for Life if that branch is repotted or whatever it is that causes root to take hold (can you tell I do not have a green thumb) and taken care of by our Father. We talk so much about the branches being cut off to prune us for growth and while that is true, sometimes the branches are cut off by the world not by Christ. And for those, we need to gather them up, care for them and repot them in fertile soil.
For me, my branch is in the precious hands of our Lord; I don't have to worry about that. But for the lives of so many devistated through loss which seems to have no hope, I am assured now more than ever that the only place we can find strength is in the hope that our God is much bigger than we give Him credit and He's more loving and more merciful than we will ever imagine and He's got it under control. So, these days, I'm living LIFE not life because life is too hard and too sad and too empty. Living LIFE is amazingly peaceful even when the storms are all around.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Another Day
Keeping busy these days for sure, but Hudson is always in our forethought. And, how could he not be when everyone around us is pregnant or has a newborn. Saturday was the first day Art's had off since the week we had Hudson and it began very emotionally and ended very emotionally. While I hate my sis and family moved 2 time zones away, I was very grateful they were 2 hours behind us Saturday night. While the rest of my world slept, I was able to ball to my mom and sis. Some days are just like that. Nothing provokes it, you just wake up crying. Amazing how God created our bodies so specifically, even our tears bring peace.
Caroline has been such a joy this week. She's growing so fast! We joined the YMCA and she loves it. We've been swimming 2 or 3 times a week in the indoor pool and unlike the church nursery, most of the time we get there and she just walks right into the playroom like "Hello, I'm here, pay me attention." The playroom workers today said, "Is this your drama-queen?" I started laughing because I have to look at Art several times a week in response to something she's doing and say, "Drama, drama, drama!"
Our newest adventure has been Caroline verbally embarrassing me in public. Yes, Mom, I know that this is just payback for all the times I embarrassed you. But, if she points at someone and tells them they're "BIG" one more time or has to discuss body parts in front of others again, my face might just stay permanently red! =) What do you do?
Art has been enjoying his new found "free time" though tend to keep filling it up, and Doodlebug and I are enjoying having him around more. She now only says, "I need my daddy!" once or twice a week as opposed to several times a day. And, I'm sure he's enjoying not receiving multiple calls a day from her saying, "Come home Daddy, I need you!" Somehow I think those were bittersweet messages during his busy season.
All in all, God has been good to us. I can't tell you how many ways He continues to speak to us and reveal Himself to us. He's an amazing God! I really don't know how anyone survives without knowing Him. I pray that we will always hold dear to the lessons He's so graciously taught us and pray that we will be able to use our trials for His glory. I've experienced hardship in my life, but never like the loss of our little man. It's given me a new understanding of the pain and suffering that is always around us and we don't even know.
Sometimes, when I'm treated rudely at a check-out counter I want to yell, "Hey, don't you know I just lost my son? Can't you spare just an ounce of courtesy?" And then I realize how many times in life I've been the rudy-pants. Pain is all around us; I just pray that our recent loss will allow us to be the glimmer of hope someone else needs in their day. Scripture tells us that we are to be the healing agent in this lost and dying world. May it be so, oh Lord!
Caroline has been such a joy this week. She's growing so fast! We joined the YMCA and she loves it. We've been swimming 2 or 3 times a week in the indoor pool and unlike the church nursery, most of the time we get there and she just walks right into the playroom like "Hello, I'm here, pay me attention." The playroom workers today said, "Is this your drama-queen?" I started laughing because I have to look at Art several times a week in response to something she's doing and say, "Drama, drama, drama!"
Our newest adventure has been Caroline verbally embarrassing me in public. Yes, Mom, I know that this is just payback for all the times I embarrassed you. But, if she points at someone and tells them they're "BIG" one more time or has to discuss body parts in front of others again, my face might just stay permanently red! =) What do you do?
Art has been enjoying his new found "free time" though tend to keep filling it up, and Doodlebug and I are enjoying having him around more. She now only says, "I need my daddy!" once or twice a week as opposed to several times a day. And, I'm sure he's enjoying not receiving multiple calls a day from her saying, "Come home Daddy, I need you!" Somehow I think those were bittersweet messages during his busy season.
All in all, God has been good to us. I can't tell you how many ways He continues to speak to us and reveal Himself to us. He's an amazing God! I really don't know how anyone survives without knowing Him. I pray that we will always hold dear to the lessons He's so graciously taught us and pray that we will be able to use our trials for His glory. I've experienced hardship in my life, but never like the loss of our little man. It's given me a new understanding of the pain and suffering that is always around us and we don't even know.
Sometimes, when I'm treated rudely at a check-out counter I want to yell, "Hey, don't you know I just lost my son? Can't you spare just an ounce of courtesy?" And then I realize how many times in life I've been the rudy-pants. Pain is all around us; I just pray that our recent loss will allow us to be the glimmer of hope someone else needs in their day. Scripture tells us that we are to be the healing agent in this lost and dying world. May it be so, oh Lord!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Growing
I've posted some new pictures for you to view at the end of this note. Hope you enjoy them.
Caroline is now a "big giwl" or so she thinks. To Mommy and Daddy she's still our little baby of course. Last week her cousins were here and she had a blast! She's becoming a little more daring in her play, jumping, bouncing, etc. from anything like couch to couch, off of steps, mercy! It scares me to death!
Last week she laid down in the floor and looked up to the ceiling and she said quietly, "I want my Hudson." Ugh! I thought my heart was going to fall out on the floor right there. Little does she know that is one of the cries from my heart several times a day. It's amazing to see how even this little 2 year old, though she was denied the opportunity to meet her brother in person, can truly love and miss him. I know it's spurred on by the many newborns who are overtaking our church nursery and Sunday School classes, but it's still an amazing thing to see such a love.
Art's busy season is about to wrap-up, hopefully within the next 24 hours, and Caroline has already declared that Daddy is going to take her golfing. Pappa and Grammy bought her some golf clubs (plastic preschool ones of course) and she's greatly anticipating the day Art takes her to the driving range by our house, "The Golf, Daddy's Golf" as she calls it.
As for me, I'm trying to learn to be content in whatever my circumstance. I still have tears and somedays I wonder how the Lord's gonna get me through this, but I know that He will. It's that knowledge and certainty that help me through it all. Now, if He'd only make these extra pounds disappear so that I would have one less thing to worry about that would be great! =)
Caroline is now a "big giwl" or so she thinks. To Mommy and Daddy she's still our little baby of course. Last week her cousins were here and she had a blast! She's becoming a little more daring in her play, jumping, bouncing, etc. from anything like couch to couch, off of steps, mercy! It scares me to death!
Last week she laid down in the floor and looked up to the ceiling and she said quietly, "I want my Hudson." Ugh! I thought my heart was going to fall out on the floor right there. Little does she know that is one of the cries from my heart several times a day. It's amazing to see how even this little 2 year old, though she was denied the opportunity to meet her brother in person, can truly love and miss him. I know it's spurred on by the many newborns who are overtaking our church nursery and Sunday School classes, but it's still an amazing thing to see such a love.
Art's busy season is about to wrap-up, hopefully within the next 24 hours, and Caroline has already declared that Daddy is going to take her golfing. Pappa and Grammy bought her some golf clubs (plastic preschool ones of course) and she's greatly anticipating the day Art takes her to the driving range by our house, "The Golf, Daddy's Golf" as she calls it.
As for me, I'm trying to learn to be content in whatever my circumstance. I still have tears and somedays I wonder how the Lord's gonna get me through this, but I know that He will. It's that knowledge and certainty that help me through it all. Now, if He'd only make these extra pounds disappear so that I would have one less thing to worry about that would be great! =)
Friday, April 4, 2008
Simple Life
I used to live by a clock, a schedule/daytimer/Outlook calender, a constant "I've got to perform" mentality for so long yet these days I'm finding it refreshing to be able to say, "Nope!" All the running, doing, going, where does it get us? Alone, too busy for the things that really matter.
Today, I had lots to do: clean the entire house because we had company last week and we have company coming again this week, plan a meal for dinner, keep Caroline occupied on this rainy day, and try to find some time to spend with my husband. Yet, what are the things I could have missed today in trying to get it all done: Caroline's smile of success when she used the "potty", the joy in her face when praised for using her "magical manners", her laugh as we made an egg carton school bus together, a sparkle in the most beautiful hazel eye of the most beautiful man in my life, the joy to realize that I had forgotten someone else was making me dinner tonight and that was one less thing I had to do and because of their surrender I could simply eat, fellowship and enjoy. The list could continue forever. And still, I wonder how many other things did I miss?
When I push myself, I push those around me. Most of the time, it's not a loving push but a push of obligation. But shouldn't my only obligation be to live to the glory of the Father? Rather than living on the edge of sanity/dispare I should be living in love. I've preached this for years, had it preached to me and yet it takes the loss of a child to teach me what I've known all along. If I did what the Bible talked about and lived as "one of the least of these" I would savor every moment trustin in a God who loves me. I always thought we become parents and then we teach our children how to live. But, these days I'm finding that Caroline has a whole lot to teach me. I think that's an intimate portion of God's plan we neglect to understand.
I want to live the simple life. I want to walk in a life of love and live in a world of transformation. I want others to know that they've been with Christ when they've been in my presence and yet I ask myself, do I really? That would mean that my life would actually change. Hmmm ... go figure. When I ask someone how they are doing, I should really mean it and want to know how they are really doing, even if the details are far more than I imagined. If I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I'm gonna. Wow! What a revelation!
Thank you, Lord, for the life and lives you have gifted me. May I live the simple Life! "Be My Magnificent Obsession!"
Today, I had lots to do: clean the entire house because we had company last week and we have company coming again this week, plan a meal for dinner, keep Caroline occupied on this rainy day, and try to find some time to spend with my husband. Yet, what are the things I could have missed today in trying to get it all done: Caroline's smile of success when she used the "potty", the joy in her face when praised for using her "magical manners", her laugh as we made an egg carton school bus together, a sparkle in the most beautiful hazel eye of the most beautiful man in my life, the joy to realize that I had forgotten someone else was making me dinner tonight and that was one less thing I had to do and because of their surrender I could simply eat, fellowship and enjoy. The list could continue forever. And still, I wonder how many other things did I miss?
When I push myself, I push those around me. Most of the time, it's not a loving push but a push of obligation. But shouldn't my only obligation be to live to the glory of the Father? Rather than living on the edge of sanity/dispare I should be living in love. I've preached this for years, had it preached to me and yet it takes the loss of a child to teach me what I've known all along. If I did what the Bible talked about and lived as "one of the least of these" I would savor every moment trustin in a God who loves me. I always thought we become parents and then we teach our children how to live. But, these days I'm finding that Caroline has a whole lot to teach me. I think that's an intimate portion of God's plan we neglect to understand.
I want to live the simple life. I want to walk in a life of love and live in a world of transformation. I want others to know that they've been with Christ when they've been in my presence and yet I ask myself, do I really? That would mean that my life would actually change. Hmmm ... go figure. When I ask someone how they are doing, I should really mean it and want to know how they are really doing, even if the details are far more than I imagined. If I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I'm gonna. Wow! What a revelation!
Thank you, Lord, for the life and lives you have gifted me. May I live the simple Life! "Be My Magnificent Obsession!"
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Revelation
Over the course of the past few weeks I've come to know one very important thing: I am nothing without Christ! There are days when waking up is a tremendous challenge, but Caroline makes sure that I do because who else is going to fix her "chocak mulk". We continue to press on through it all knowing that there is a greater purpose for all this, one we don't understand but know exists.
On Palm Sunday, Art and I sang a duet ("Man After Your Own Heart"). The lyrics to my portion said, "I am driven by rivers of pride. You are my rescue, maker and keeper of all that I am all I believe in. You lead me Lord by the still waters. You speak to me with the words of a father, for I'm your own prodigal child. I know you're here with arms open wide. Just as a dear runs to water so does my soul to you Father. And Oh my God, though I have wondered you make it clear you'll always be here. When I draw near to seek after your own heart."
Well, guess what I learned. I AM DRIVEN BY RIVERS OF PRIDE. More like rivers of rights. I've lived the prodigal life and He rescued me. I've lived the legalistic shallow life and He rescued me. I've lived the lonliness and the pain of life and He keeps me. But why now, why us, why our Hudson? And then I remember, all that He suffered(s) for us and I am humbled at my pride. To think that I deserve anything shy of Hell is crazy. I am only because He lives. And yet, the hurt and the anquish sometimes overwhelms me. But, He Himself grieved the loss of His loved ones while on earth. And, we gave Hudson right back to Him the moment He gifted us with the knowledge of being pregnant. So what better place for him to be than with Jesus?
There are no words to describe the hurt, confusion and frustration but I am grateful nevertheless that I had 21 weeks with a precious life that will always be. All the more we patiently anticipate the return of our Lord! And, when I seek Him, He is found. Imagine that! Boy, I think I read that somewhere. Maybe the prophet Jeremiah did know a little something.
In any case, Art and I are experiencing an "awakening" of life in our marriage. Ok, maybe it's just me, but it's wonderful. We've had a few tense moments throughout these past few months and yet I continue to fall more deeply in love with him through each passing day. I pray that we live this way the rest of our lives. I don't want us to have to endure the hard times to bring us closer together, but to live so in tuned to our Lord that each moment of each day draws us closer to Him and in turn to each other. He's about to wrap-up his busy season and I can't wait (like I'm the one dragging my tail to work everyday :) It's so hard to see him lose sleep and work like a dog, not to mention the mental stress. But even in these days, he finds time to come home for a late dinner and "night night" ritual with Caroline.
Each night we eat, play, do the "get ready for bed" routine and then bow at Caroline's "big girl bed" for prayer and scripture recital. Who would have thought that the scriptures she is memorizing would become my daily gasps of breath: "I will praise you oh Lord with all of my heart. I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you. I will sing praise to your name, Oh Most High!" Psalm 9:1-2 "I can lye down and go to sleep and I will wake up again for the Lord protects me." Psalm 4:8 "God will send His angels to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. And now we're teaching her, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world. But that through him the world might be saved." John 3:17 And, her recitation of the Lord's prayer is enough to throw me to my knees and beg the Lord to forgive my selfishness and teach me the faith of this little life!
So, why now? Why us? Why Hudson? The answer: because! Because what, I don't know. Yet I know that even though I'm crying out in continual agony inside, the Lord is meeting me there in that dark, sad, desparate place and bringing glory to His name. I don't know how. I don't care why. As long as He can carry me, I will live to His glory. May it be so this moment Lord!
On Palm Sunday, Art and I sang a duet ("Man After Your Own Heart"). The lyrics to my portion said, "I am driven by rivers of pride. You are my rescue, maker and keeper of all that I am all I believe in. You lead me Lord by the still waters. You speak to me with the words of a father, for I'm your own prodigal child. I know you're here with arms open wide. Just as a dear runs to water so does my soul to you Father. And Oh my God, though I have wondered you make it clear you'll always be here. When I draw near to seek after your own heart."
Well, guess what I learned. I AM DRIVEN BY RIVERS OF PRIDE. More like rivers of rights. I've lived the prodigal life and He rescued me. I've lived the legalistic shallow life and He rescued me. I've lived the lonliness and the pain of life and He keeps me. But why now, why us, why our Hudson? And then I remember, all that He suffered(s) for us and I am humbled at my pride. To think that I deserve anything shy of Hell is crazy. I am only because He lives. And yet, the hurt and the anquish sometimes overwhelms me. But, He Himself grieved the loss of His loved ones while on earth. And, we gave Hudson right back to Him the moment He gifted us with the knowledge of being pregnant. So what better place for him to be than with Jesus?
There are no words to describe the hurt, confusion and frustration but I am grateful nevertheless that I had 21 weeks with a precious life that will always be. All the more we patiently anticipate the return of our Lord! And, when I seek Him, He is found. Imagine that! Boy, I think I read that somewhere. Maybe the prophet Jeremiah did know a little something.
In any case, Art and I are experiencing an "awakening" of life in our marriage. Ok, maybe it's just me, but it's wonderful. We've had a few tense moments throughout these past few months and yet I continue to fall more deeply in love with him through each passing day. I pray that we live this way the rest of our lives. I don't want us to have to endure the hard times to bring us closer together, but to live so in tuned to our Lord that each moment of each day draws us closer to Him and in turn to each other. He's about to wrap-up his busy season and I can't wait (like I'm the one dragging my tail to work everyday :) It's so hard to see him lose sleep and work like a dog, not to mention the mental stress. But even in these days, he finds time to come home for a late dinner and "night night" ritual with Caroline.
Each night we eat, play, do the "get ready for bed" routine and then bow at Caroline's "big girl bed" for prayer and scripture recital. Who would have thought that the scriptures she is memorizing would become my daily gasps of breath: "I will praise you oh Lord with all of my heart. I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you. I will sing praise to your name, Oh Most High!" Psalm 9:1-2 "I can lye down and go to sleep and I will wake up again for the Lord protects me." Psalm 4:8 "God will send His angels to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16. And now we're teaching her, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world. But that through him the world might be saved." John 3:17 And, her recitation of the Lord's prayer is enough to throw me to my knees and beg the Lord to forgive my selfishness and teach me the faith of this little life!
So, why now? Why us? Why Hudson? The answer: because! Because what, I don't know. Yet I know that even though I'm crying out in continual agony inside, the Lord is meeting me there in that dark, sad, desparate place and bringing glory to His name. I don't know how. I don't care why. As long as He can carry me, I will live to His glory. May it be so this moment Lord!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Through Our Grief
Most of our friends and family are aware that we lost our precious Hudson 2 weeks ago. After carrying him for 20 months and 6 days he was born and lived for approximately 2 hours. What a precious time we had with him. We wouldn't give up that time for anything. These days, the sorrow can seem somewhat overwhelming. Caroline's new question is, "Mommy cwying?" It's hard to reassure her when I'm balling like a baby, but somehow we're able to find a way to encourage her and let her know that it's okay. Isn't that just like God? We find ourselves in the pits and look to Him only to find reassurrance and strength we never thought we'd have. He's been so real to us through the love of family and friends. I'm not sure how anyone exists and survives without Him. I guess the reality is that none of us really exist or survive without Him. All I know is that there are times that all I can do is call on His name, even without saying anything else. Several people have asked Art and I what they could do to help us through this time and the truth is simple - pray. There is nothing we need other than that. God has been so gracious to us and we are blessed to have his precious gift of our family. I personally have come to realize more fully through this time that my husband is the love of my life! He is my miracle gift and I am so extremely grateful for a Godly husband who knows what it means to weather the storm with me. He's truly been Christ to me these past few weeks and I love him dearly.Caroline is growing like a weed. Sleeping in a "big giwl bed". When we visited a friend of ours in the hospital this week she said, "My brudder here?" and we were able to talk to her a little more about Hudson. It is so nice to know that she is grasping enough to understand that Hudson is her brother. Though he's in heaven with Jesus, he's still a part of our everyday lives.
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